Yeesh

I asked Dall-e to create an image of a frustrated, older woman. My goal is to express the frustration of a lot of women who have traveled this same path I have. Other than her thinness, that Dall-e was unable to fix, I think the AI tool nailed her demeanor.

So, I was wrong. As soon as I stopped the Semaglutide, I started to gain weight– and fast. I gained 7lbs in the first 5 weeks. It was really crazy. I didn’t turn to junk food and high carb choices at all. I just resumed my regular food consumption which is primarily still very low carb and no sugars. There must be something in the internal mechanics of that drug that slows down turning food into fat. It’s not just the appetite suppression, in other words.

I haven’t weighed myself in the past few days, but I know I’m probably at least 10 lbs up. I can feel the thickening in my abdomen area, and my pants are tighter than usual.

I’ve come to the conclusion that my body just wants to be fat. I’m not sure where to go with this. I’m wondering if it is rooted in a lot of the deeply psychological issues that I’ve discussed on this blog before (trauma-response, protection, etc.). There’s a growing trend in therapy/counseling circles that focus on the mind/body connection. My daughter is a therapist in this area, so I’m somewhat familiar with it. I’m going to explore this and see if I can remove some of these blocks (in the hopes that my body will be a partner in that process).

In the meantime, I’m staying true to the ways I changed my food intake from the beginning of this leg of my journey (April 2021). I’m probably going to stop writing for a while and will check in sometime in the summer to report on how it’s going.

One more thing, I listened to Jillian Michaels on Bill Maher’s Real Time this week. Ordinarily I would not tune into anything she says as a result of her awful, fat-shaming “Biggest Loser” series. But she made a few observations that I realized for myself are true. In essence, she said if you’re on these GLP-1 and other drugs, eventually you will plateau. And after the plateau, you’ll regain the weight. So, you may as well learn how to manage obesity organically. She advised investing the money you’re spending on the drugs on a good therapist instead to understand what is holding you back.

I hear ya, sister.

Course correction

Well? Last week I had a particularly harrowing 8 hours of agony, stress, and even fear… as googling what was happening to me was sure to kill me. In short, I had a really bad side effect reaction to the Semaglutide. I recently signed up for a Concierge service here in Austin, so I was able to get help from my doctor right away.

I’m feeling much better now, but have made the executive decision to stop the Semaglutide. I’m anxious about regaining weight as I’m writing this. Yet, what happened to me was simply not normal. And I don’t want to put my 65-year old body through that kind of stress.

So, I will check in as time goes on and let you know how it’s going. I’ve maintained that since I started my weight loss journey pre-GLP1, I shouldn’t have the boomerang weight gain others experience. I have changed the way I eat and my relationship with food. The drug definitely reduced my appetite, but realistically, I did not have the significant weight loss I was hoping for by taking it every week.

Anyway, that’s today’s update.

Onwards.

How it started. How it’s going.

I got serious about not wanted to live my life as a morbidly obese person in the summer of 2017. That’s nearly 7 years ago. So, my trek to lose my excess weight has been ongoing for nearly a decade.

This blog has captured my journey– all of it. The physical milestones, the successes and failures, but most importantly, the psychological introspection that has been key to understanding my own relationship with my body and my self-image. More than the weight loss itself, I’m really pleased I’ve kept up documenting every step along this long path.

Where am I in this moment?

I’m about two-thirds of the way to where I want to be. Most of the weight loss I did organically by changing how and what I eat and how I live my life. When the GLP-1 drugs emerged on the market, and I had hit a plateau on what I was able to do on my own, I made the decision to get an assist in order to get to the finish line.

The drug is definitely working, but not as rapidly as it works for some. I only lose a few ounces a week, and if I eat “normally” (which means carbs/sugar), I will quickly gain a few pounds. That’s alarming, as I realize once I stop the drug, it’s going to be really difficult to not regain any weight.

I’m currently at the lowest weight I’ve been in 30 years. But, as you can see, I still have a long way to go. That red slice represents 50 lbs. I’m hopeful insurance companies and Medicare will begin to cover the GLP-1 (and newer variations) drugs. It’s obvious there are preventative health benefits. I know I feel healthier than I have since I was in my 20s and 30s. And, frankly, I look so much better.

The looking better thing is controversial, I know. What I have to say about this is: it’s an individual choice. Part of my goal with the wholesale radical transformation I’ve been going through the past few years is reclaiming my identity. I self-identify as a confident, self-satisfied woman. There’s no shame in that. I feel if more women would look inwardly to explore who they truly believe they are, and then put the work in to realize that vision, there would be a lot more secure, strong women in the world. And, hell, we need that in many ways.

In other words, I only answer to myself. I am accountable to me. I am working to satisfy my own standards.

I’ll wrap this up with this. I have become a major fan of a young Country singer, Megan Moroney. She’s got the right attitude and expresses how I feel in this song:

Leveling Up

So, I’m maxing out on the Semaglutide at the 2.4mg dosage starting next week. I will stay at this level until I reach my goal weight. So far, I haven’t had serious side effects, so I’m optimistic I will actually get there. It will take a long time, and it is expensive as I pay out of pocket.

As of this date, I’ve lost 13.6lbs since I began in June. Again, not great results, but I’m not gaining and am steadily losing a few ounces every week. I made a promise to myself that when I reached the highest dosage, I would start exercising. That should help accelerate things somewhat. We’ll see. I have the holidays to get through and a family reunion right after New Year’s. When I return mid-January, I will get serious about making better progress.

I found a stable close to Austin that has a better weight requirement for my height, so I’ve made it my goal to reach that weight. The horsebackriding thing is really important to me. Since I’ve been writing this blog, my avatar has remained a thin woman bareback on a horse. I am fixated at getting to that place.

On other scores, I will say that I am feeling so much better about my life in general. I have a great job (even though it’s a contract position), and I enjoy it. I live in a great city. I feel super comfortable in my skin, saggy as it is. I toggle between buying new clothes in regular sizes and smaller plus sizes. I look much better than I have in 30 years though. I’m more flexible; I don’t get tired walking or climbing stairs; seatbelts fit on flights; and the best upside is when I go past a random mirror or window reflection, I’m surprised by my new size (in a positive way).

So much of my life is better today. I have no regrets putting the time, discipline, and now money into this trek. I’m hopeful for 2024. As always, thanks for reading, and I will see you on the other side.

Happy Holidays. 🎄🥂

Let’s all hope for a healthy, happy 2024.

Update: Down 85.4lbs from my high.

Oops. On Second Thought.

I realized after I posted last time that 13lbs in 4 months is not terrible. In fact, I was reminded that I only lost 13lbs ALL YEAR last year. So, the Semaglutide is definitely working. It’s just slow weight loss. I lose ounces, not lbs every week.

Occasionally, I gain. That sucks, but on average, I’m progressively still continuing to lose. My scale/weight tracking app charts my progress with averages. Here’s what it looks like from June to October. (See chart.)

So, it’s obvious I should not be disappointed.

This week, I increased my dosage of the Semaglutide to 1.7 mg. I didn’t think my appetitite could be cut more, but alas, it’s gotten to the point that I am never hungry.

I only eat at intervals when I know it’s a normal time to eat. I sometimes skip meals. That’s probably not healthy, so I try not to do that.

The intro photo to this post is a reminder that the holidays are upon us. I have a lot of family visits upcoming. Starting next week, actually. It was a lot easier to be rigorous on my low carb, no sugar regimine during pandemic when I stayed home.

But this year, I’m looking forward to getting together with family members I haven’t seen for a long time. I privately wish so much “socialization” didn’t involve copious amounts of food that is generally not in sync with my weight loss plans.

Nonetheless, I persevere.

Semaglutide #Fail(ure)

So, I am really not making much progress on Semaglutide. Since I started in June, I’ve only lost 13lbs. That’s over 4 months. If I average it out, that’s 3.25lbs a month. Not great.

As I’ve said before, the shot absolutely works like magic in decreasing, if not eliminating, your appetite. The issue for me is I can’t really eat less than I normally do. That would be unhealthy. As it is, I’m eating very little every day. And I’ve mostly stayed true to my healthy, low-carb, no sugar regimen. Occasionally, I’ll do something dumb like eat normally, or eat popcorn at the movie theater. But the majority of my day-to-day eating is the same as it was over the past few years, only maybe a little bit less quantity. The medicine also makes you feel full quickly, so it’s uncomfortable to overeat.

I always knew this last part of my weight loss trek was going to be difficult, but I was hoping the Semaglutide would accelerate my progress. This week, I will increase my dosage again to 1.7mg. The highest you can go is 2.4mg. If I don’t see any progress at those higher dosages, then I will probably consider quitting. That option is still a few months out, so I’m not fixating on it right now.

In other news, while I’ve been disappointed in the pace of my weight loss, I computed how much weight I’ve lost from my high a few years ago. It turns out, I’ve lost 81lbs. In that context, it’s pretty amazing. I’ve reached a lot of my short-term goals. The best is being able to shop in “regular size” boutiques and department stores. I was saying recently to my longtime best friend that I don’t feel like I look terrible, even though I’m still technically obese and weigh as much as an NFL linebacker. When I pass a random mirror, I’m actually amazed at how much better I look. It used to be the exact opposite.

I’ve started to consider my long, long-term goal of being able to ride horses. A friend of mine from work has two horses she keeps at a stable about a half-hour from me. It’s a large stable with about 100 horses. They give lessons; they board; and they even lease horses. She told me I’m not too big to get on a horse now. That was very kind.

I do want to lose about 30lbs before I try that, but I’m starting to get motivated about the idea of finally getting on a horse. It’s “exercise” I long to do.

Here are some photos from the stable:

Status Report

So, summer is over in Central Texas. We’re heading into the rainy season.

I wanted to check-in and report how it’s going with the Semaglutide. I started injecting myself this week with the higher dosage: 1.0mg. It was surprisingly easy, and not scary at all.

The weight loss has been slow-going, but since I started in June, I think I’ve lost about 20lbs. So, that’s not terrible. Of course, remember, I had gained weight when I moved here. But, I pushed past that weight gain and am now back on track to continue losing.

You can see on the chart a slight tick up, and then the sharp decline. That’s about when I started the Ozempic.

I did the math and discovered I still need to lose 60lbs to get to my desired goal weight. So, it feels like I will be on this drug for a very long time. Maybe a year.

After working so hard for so long to lose this weight, I at least want to arrive at my goal. Once there, I’m not sure what will happen. Predictably, I will probably start gaining again once I’m off the medicine.

My theory on this is that at that lower weight, I will not mind exercising. I might even start jogging again like I used to when I was younger. I will definitely go back to the gym. It will be more comfortable in a thinner size.

I will definitely pursue the horseback-riding goal too. Maybe by this time next year, I can finally deliver on my original goal to ride horses again.

But, to be honest, I’m not unhappy with my progress. There have been some great small victories as I’m a “smaller” person now. For instance, when I was severely obese, I wasn’t able to take a bath. I didn’t have the agility to get out of the tub. That seems really awful, but it’s true. Now I take baths all the time. It’s a great way to relax after a long day.

Also, when I go to the department store, I skip the Plus section. I go directly to the “better sportswear” section. I can definitely fit in L and XL tops now, so I’ve been enjoying browsing the new fall fashions. I even bought a dress recently I’m looking forward to wearing. I particularly like this fashion brand, Bryn Walker. I’m very much looking forward to being thin so these clothes fit me well. Of course, I will never be a 0 or supermodel thin, but the opportunity to wear good quality, fashionable designer clothes is within reach.

I’m planning on continuing on this path. I will keep you updated. In the meantime, happy fall. There’s not much of a fall in Central Texas, but I sure am glad those 100+ degree days are coming to an end.

Marking Time

It’s been about two months since I last wrote. I am not thrilled to report that I have not made much progress. I definitely lost that miserable 15lbs I gained when I moved to Texas, but it’s been slow-going since then on the Semaglutide. I started on Ozempic and am still on it for a few more weeks. I’m only at the .5 dosage, so still just making a dent in the progress and maybe the potential.

The clinic is moving me up to 1.0 in a few weeks. We already ordered it, so should be here in 3 weeks or so. I’ve read that at the higher dosage, it really kicks in. I’m willing to make the investment to try it. So far, it hasn’t been crazy expensive. The clinic has been working with me, as I’m paying out of pocket. I’m willing to keep going to see if things start accelerating at the higher dosage.

Nonetheless, since I started June 12, I’ve only lost 7.7lbs. That’s about three-quarters of a lb per week. C’est la guerre.

OF COURSE, I am not exercising. So there’s that. But, what I’ve realized is I’ve so dramatically changed the way I eat* as a result of what I’ve been doing for the past few years, I can’t expect to have the same dramatic results other people do.

The shot absolutely descreases your appetite. I honestly can’t remember being hungry all summer. I could probably abuse the Semaglutide and eat very little, but that would not be sustainable over time. I am concerned about going off it too. I don’t have severe side effects (yet, anyway). I’m a little nauseous sometimes, but nothing serious. Constipation is one annoying side effect, but that doesn’t happen often. So far, so good in other words.

So, this is just a check-in post to let you know how it’s going. I’ll report in again when I have something else to say. 🙂

On the choice of photo, I’ve been wondering about the French lately. Why are they so thin? They eat bread, pastries, cheese, drink wine… They take long lunches. I remember a book, “French Women Don’t Get Fat” that came out in 2007. I think I’m going to pick it up from the library.

Onwards.

*I still severely limit my carbs and have effectively eliminated refined sugar from my life.

Mind over Matter

This is a photo of my father and his mother, my grandmother. I’m guessing my father was in his 20s in this photo, so that would date this photo sometime around 1938 or so.

My grandmother was a brilliant woman. She spoke seven languages. I’m posting this photo of her to bring attention to her shape.

In the 30s in America, there were no processed foods. No junk foods, no fast-food…

Let’s let AI tell us:

The 1930s were a very different time in terms of food and diet. There were no McDonald’s or other fast-food chains, and the concept of “junk food” didn’t really exist yet. Most people were eating traditional, home-cooked meals with whole, unprocessed ingredients.

In the 1930s, most families didn’t have access to refrigerators, so they relied on fresh, seasonal ingredients. Fast food restaurants didn’t exist, and there were very few processed foods available. The average American diet was much healthier in the 1930s than it is today. In fact, rates of obesity were much lower, and people had a much lower intake of sugar, sodium, and saturated fats.

My point here is I believe my body simply wants to be fat. It’s in my genes. I have similar photos of my mother who was obese the entire time I knew her on earth.

So, my body wants to be fat…

And my mind wants to be thin.

For this reason, I feel my journey is particularly difficult. I’m literally fighting with my DNA– the foundation of all living organisms on the planet.

Nonethless, I did go to the weight loss doctor. They started me on Ozempic which led to a bit of backlash when I announced it on my Facebook page. Not because my friends don’t want me to lose weight. Because there’s apparently a shortage of the drug that is life-saving for diabetics. The doctor told me they would be switching me to Wegovy when I return next month.

In short, I feel like I need science in this battle. I’m also doubling down and trying intermittent fasting.

Wish me luck.

Wo(e)-govy

So, I’ve gone from bad to worse. This morning, I finally decided I had to weigh myself. Yep, not only did I gain weight AGAIN; it occurred to me that I gained as much in TWO months that took me an entire YEAR to lose. (13lbs– that’s a dress size.)

When I moved back to Texas, I fell into temptation. Queso is probably my favorite comfort food in the whole world. Same with most Mexican food. So, for the past few months, I’ve been eating tortillas and chips, ON OCCASION, hoping that I could somehow absorb these carbs with no ramifications.

That was an illusion. Sure enough, those fat cells laying quietly shrunken in waiting, were thrilled to puff back up to reclaim their rightful position on my body.

I had a conversation with my oldest daughter this morning where I shared my frustration about how I am coming to understand I will NEVER be able to eat “normally” again. From this day forward, if I want to get thin and stay thin, I will have to give up eating food that I love. Like, for the rest of my life.

For that reason, I made the decision to start a physician-assisted Wegovy program. I’m starting Monday. As you know, I wanted to lose my weight without sacrificing too much and without spending money. But, at this sad juncture in my progress, I realize that is unrealistic. I need something drastic.

I will let you know how it goes.