Fat Shame on Me

A couple weeks ago, I was having a pretty lousy week (understatement).  Instead of going all DEFCON-drama-1 on social media and posting the truth about my miserable state of affairs, I opted to update my Facebook friends on my weight loss progress.  This news will typically, oh hell– predictably, generate glowing feedback, and I was sheepishly trolling for much-needed attention and support.

But, even I was surprised at the result.

down 46.5

Facebook will occasionally tell you what your most popular post or photo is.  My most popular photo UNTIL THIS ONE (see image to left), was a snap of my kids looking very attractive on a park bench in Brooklyn. This post far surpassed that one by nearly a third.  Once Facebook’s feed claw gets ahold of a popular post, it keeps serving it up to your friends and voilà: 162 of my Facebook friends reacted to the post with a like, a wow, or a love. There were over 30 comments of good cheer and a few questions.  So, I achieved my goal of getting attention, but it really unsettled me as the post kept racking up “social” points.

Granted, I did this for attention, so that’s on me.  I literally created a “piece of content” with this news as a cheap attempt to feel good about myself during a pit of depression.

Getting that out of the way, I had to ask myself, is losing weight the best thing I ever did? After over a decade on Facebook, and all the achievements I’ve accomplished in that time, is losing a few dress sizes the most notable? The most laudable? The absolute pinnacle of my success?  If we went to the grave with our most popular post on Facebook chiseled on our tombstone, would this be how I was remembered?

“In January of 2018, she lost 46.5 pounds.” 

Seriously? What does that say about me? What does that say about our society that looks is so paramount that it trumps everything else?  It’s made me feel terrible for exploiting my weight loss for attention in this way, perpetuating the myth that ONLY thin is beautiful and right. It prompted me to re-examine, as I have earlier on this blog, having empathy for and self-identifying with the health-at-every-size movement.

So, in the end, I fat-shamed myself.  Shame on me.

p.s. I’m not ending my weight loss.  Just not holding it out as some great accomplishment in and of itself.  In subsequent posts, I’ll  attempt to explain the whole mind, body, spirit makeover path I’ve been on. Need to push through this dark period first.

Fat as Puzzle

ImageMy friend Ross who is supporting me on my Health Rally, recommended this blog post, “Thinking about Diets and Other Complex Matters” by Bill Gurley, a VC at Benchmark Capital.  It’s a good post, and has great references.  I’ve already downloaded, “Why We Get Fat” on Audible.

I think there is a lot of truth to the complexity issue he’s pointing out.  That there are no simple solutions to weight loss (or gain for that matter).  I’m beginning to think I need to try every possible theory that is out there.

Even though it doesn’t make logical sense, I find my weight really fluctuates day to day, regardless of what I eat or the exercise I do.  A few days ago I was .5 away from losing twenty pounds, but the next day, I had gained 1.5 (for no apparent reason).  So, I’m still battling with that last pound.  I should probably just stop weighing myself.

I will say this, however.  I feel better.  I’ve had a tough time with acid reflux over the past few years (tmi, I know). But, it’s essentially GONE.  Really gone.  I have seen other dramatic improvements in other bodily functions, but I won’t delve into those details.  So, if for no other reason than to feel better, I’m motivated to keep reinventing myself.