Category: Setbacks

Yeesh

I asked Dall-e to create an image of a frustrated, older woman. My goal is to express the frustration of a lot of women who have traveled this same path I have. Other than her thinness, that Dall-e was unable to fix, I think the AI tool nailed her demeanor.

So, I was wrong. As soon as I stopped the Semaglutide, I started to gain weight– and fast. I gained 7lbs in the first 5 weeks. It was really crazy. I didn’t turn to junk food and high carb choices at all. I just resumed my regular food consumption which is primarily still very low carb and no sugars. There must be something in the internal mechanics of that drug that slows down turning food into fat. It’s not just the appetite suppression, in other words.

I haven’t weighed myself in the past few days, but I know I’m probably at least 10 lbs up. I can feel the thickening in my abdomen area, and my pants are tighter than usual.

I’ve come to the conclusion that my body just wants to be fat. I’m not sure where to go with this. I’m wondering if it is rooted in a lot of the deeply psychological issues that I’ve discussed on this blog before (trauma-response, protection, etc.). There’s a growing trend in therapy/counseling circles that focus on the mind/body connection. My daughter is a therapist in this area, so I’m somewhat familiar with it. I’m going to explore this and see if I can remove some of these blocks (in the hopes that my body will be a partner in that process).

In the meantime, I’m staying true to the ways I changed my food intake from the beginning of this leg of my journey (April 2021). I’m probably going to stop writing for a while and will check in sometime in the summer to report on how it’s going.

One more thing, I listened to Jillian Michaels on Bill Maher’s Real Time this week. Ordinarily I would not tune into anything she says as a result of her awful, fat-shaming “Biggest Loser” series. But she made a few observations that I realized for myself are true. In essence, she said if you’re on these GLP-1 and other drugs, eventually you will plateau. And after the plateau, you’ll regain the weight. So, you may as well learn how to manage obesity organically. She advised investing the money you’re spending on the drugs on a good therapist instead to understand what is holding you back.

I hear ya, sister.

Course correction

Well? Last week I had a particularly harrowing 8 hours of agony, stress, and even fear… as googling what was happening to me was sure to kill me. In short, I had a really bad side effect reaction to the Semaglutide. I recently signed up for a Concierge service here in Austin, so I was able to get help from my doctor right away.

I’m feeling much better now, but have made the executive decision to stop the Semaglutide. I’m anxious about regaining weight as I’m writing this. Yet, what happened to me was simply not normal. And I don’t want to put my 65-year old body through that kind of stress.

So, I will check in as time goes on and let you know how it’s going. I’ve maintained that since I started my weight loss journey pre-GLP1, I shouldn’t have the boomerang weight gain others experience. I have changed the way I eat and my relationship with food. The drug definitely reduced my appetite, but realistically, I did not have the significant weight loss I was hoping for by taking it every week.

Anyway, that’s today’s update.

Onwards.

Wo(e)-govy

So, I’ve gone from bad to worse. This morning, I finally decided I had to weigh myself. Yep, not only did I gain weight AGAIN; it occurred to me that I gained as much in TWO months that took me an entire YEAR to lose. (13lbs– that’s a dress size.)

When I moved back to Texas, I fell into temptation. Queso is probably my favorite comfort food in the whole world. Same with most Mexican food. So, for the past few months, I’ve been eating tortillas and chips, ON OCCASION, hoping that I could somehow absorb these carbs with no ramifications.

That was an illusion. Sure enough, those fat cells laying quietly shrunken in waiting, were thrilled to puff back up to reclaim their rightful position on my body.

I had a conversation with my oldest daughter this morning where I shared my frustration about how I am coming to understand I will NEVER be able to eat “normally” again. From this day forward, if I want to get thin and stay thin, I will have to give up eating food that I love. Like, for the rest of my life.

For that reason, I made the decision to start a physician-assisted Wegovy program. I’m starting Monday. As you know, I wanted to lose my weight without sacrificing too much and without spending money. But, at this sad juncture in my progress, I realize that is unrealistic. I need something drastic.

I will let you know how it goes.

WTAF?

I’ve been hitting a series of setbacks the past few weeks. First of all, for the very first time since I got serious about losing my weight, I gained. I’ve been on a slow, but steady progressive down slope for, literally, years. I started Feb. 13, 2021 and lost weight every week for nearly two and a half years.

When I decided to double down and join a gym to accelerate my weight loss… I GAINED WEIGHT.

WTAF?

I really didn’t change how I eat (that’s not entirely true); and my trainer at the gym said it’s because I’m building muscle. But, seriously? Do you know how bad that makes me feel?

It was a horror. I don’t care about building muscle. I want to lose the extra pounds.

Something was just not right.

I decided to quit the gym for now. This wasn’t the only reason. The other reason is this gym is really not for obese people trying to lose weight. It’s for super fit people working at maintaining their super fitness.

I started evaluating my options. I even looked into Wegovy at a local clinic that has an obesity program. I’m still considering that, but I still want to see if there is a way I can do this naturally.

So, it sticks.

You understand, yes?

I also have been mindful of the intention I set for the beginning of 2023 to get back on a horse.

I found a local stable that has lessons. Here’s what I found on the stable’s website:

That weight– 150lbs– is not even my goal weight (It’s 177). I will never be 150 again in my life. What a disappointment! I remember doing the math on how much I would have to lose to safely get on a horse. I computed 240, not 150. So, another major setback. Or course, I could buy a horse, but I don’t want to do that. I may be able to find another stable with less restrictive rules, or bigger horses. I’d be lying, however, if I did not admit this has been a downer.

The last disappointment has been the dating scene. I’m not getting anywhere. I must still be unf..kable. I started thinking of a poem to address that sad fact. If I get around to writing it, I will post it here.

I will close this depressing post on a positive note. I found the shirt I wore in the photo where I was at my heaviest. It’s actually a cute shirt, and looks good now.

So, fuck everybody.