I’m making progress on getting to my goal. It’s slow-going now, but I’m not unhappy with my new life as a thinner person. Most of the goals I had for this journey, I have achieved. It’s a great accomplishment.
Here are two selfies (untouched) I took yesterday. Remember the first time I could wear a belt? This belt is from Free People, one of my favorite stores. It’s so satisfying that I can actually shop there now. That dressing room on the right is theirs, btw.
The main issue I have right now is my saggy skin. There are surgeries for this sort of thing, but I’m kind of unwilling to do that. You can see it on my right arm if you zoom in. I still have a lot of fat to lose on my lower abdomen, hips, and legs, but again, it’s not that bad. I’m able to fit in normal-sized clothes now. These are size 14 pants I’m wearing.
I started working out with a trainer again too. It’s resistance training. I’m doing it for mostly health reasons. Trying to rebuild muscle and get stronger.
My newfound music passion has been super rewarding too. I’m getting better at playing guitar and this Friday I will release my third album. It’s definitely my best one yet. I basically write stories from the past and the present, considering I don’t have much of a future to write about, haha.
I do know this: when my wellness coach from South Dakota asked me, “What would your life be like if you reached your goal weight?” My response was, “Everything in my life would be better.” I could see that future possibility.
Decided to keep writing on this blog on the off chance someone stumbles on it, and it can help motivate them. This week I finally reached my 100lb loss goal. I created a promo card and shared it with my friends. The truth of the matter is continuing on a path to lose weight is a lonely journey. At least if you’re doing it yourself and not with a group or partner.
I still have about a long way to go to get to my goal, but this milestone is significant and wanted to celebrate that I’ve reached my interim goal.
I’ve been able to follow through on a number of my intentions. Starting with the ability to get back on a horse! That’s a significant one. A few weeks ago I went on a trail ride. I was super happy about that. I still need to lose about 30lbs before I’ll feel comfortable riding the way I used to, but the fact I was able to easily get on a horse and enjoy a trail ride through the Texas hill country was so satisfying. Hopefully, I’ll keep losing weight over the summer and maybe by late fall when the weather cools off a little, I’m going to look into leasing or buying a horse. At the very least, maybe taking lessons.
One of the best outcomes in the weight loss is the ability to buy clothes in somewhat normal sizes again. In my closet, I now have separate sections by size. I’ve been giving away my largest clothes sizes, planning to never need them again. I’m very close to being able to buy normal size clothes and have gone from a size 28 in pants to a 16. I’m still not thin by any means, but what a difference that makes. I also hired a trainer again. I work out with her every week. I’m feeling stronger and I’m hoping the workouts will deliver a lot of benefits in addition to accelerating the weight loss. At my age, it’s good to build muscle mass and get as fit as possible. It has mental health benefits, as well as physical.
And now that I feel like I can relatively participate in society as a relatively normal-sized person, I’ve taken up new interests. The most fulfilling one is I’ve begun writing songs, as I mentioned a few posts back. The songs help me process a lot of the pain and anguish that has surfaced on this blog over the years. One of my favorite new songs (a Country music song) is a song I wrote to myself. It’s called, “Hello You.” It’s a song that was derived from the sentiment in this post, “Thin is a Feminist Issue.” I wrote then how much I wanted my life back. Today, I’m pretty close to achieving that dream and this song captures that vibe. Below is the Spotify link, but you can hear it on your preferred streaming platform. (Just search this song and my name). I think this is the first time I’ve actually mentioned my real name on this blog, too.
A photo from my friend’s stable. I wish I were this young girl, but I’m not.
I’m going to stop posting on this blog for a while, and publish a book of all these posts.
I’ve been making progress on my weight loss. I haven’t weighed myself lately, but I can tell I have lost all the weight I gained after I stopped the Semaglutide. All my clothes fit and some are loose. I’m confident I’ll continue to lose if I stay on the Terzepatide. So far, I haven’t had any side effects. I’m not motivated to increase the dosage either at this point. So, I’m optimistic I will keep going on this path.
I have changed so much about my relationship with food. My pattern is now to avoid heavy carbs, anything made with a lot of sugar, and essentially all processed foods that you’d find in the center aisles of the grocery store. My first post on this blog was August 8, 2008. I’ve been trying to get to a reasonable weight for 16 years, 5 months, and 13 days. Or approximately 6,026 days. That’s somewhat insane. Yet, over that period of time, as you can see on the pages of this blog, I’ve undergone a transformation. Not just physically too, as yes, I have lost a lot of weight. But mentally and maybe spiritually too.
This blog has helped me process my complicated relationship with food and the role of fat (extra weight) has played in my life. It’s served as a therapeutic device in that way. In 2011, I had explained my reasons for wanting to lose weight. I will relist them here and discuss the results so far.
Yet, there are some things I’d like to do in this world that my weight prevents me from doing. I will list them in an order that matters most to me.
Riding horses
Wearing great clothes
Presenting to large audiences
Traveling
Being taken seriously professionally
Dating
On riding horses, I’m still hopeful. Yet, I do worry about falling off a horse and breaking a bone or a hip as I’m getting older now. I’ve never fallen off a horse, but that does give me some pause.
On wearing great clothes, this has probably been my greatest joy in my weight loss journey. I’m still not a size zero, so I can’t wear the very best clothes. But, I am able to buy normal sizes (vs. plus sizes), at least in sweaters, dresses and tops.
On presenting to large audiences, I haven’t done that yet and not sure I will. However, I have begun learning how to play guitar, and wouldn’t feel embarassed to play in front of an audience. Well, maybe about my guitar-playing, but not my size. I don’t think I would have even tried to learn to play guitar if I were still massively obese.
On traveling, that is definitely better. No more extended seat belts, and most seats are comfortable with arms that stay down. Not always, but most of the time. Plus, regardless of where I go, I have no trouble climbing stairs or walking long distances.
On being taken seriously professionally, well? Jury is still out on that one. I definitely look better, but I’m still big. I’m not sure my weight is preventing me from making progress professionally. I haven’t seen any evidence of it, but it could still be an impediment.
On dating, another maybe. I stopped dating in the summer of 2023. I still don’t feel confident enough in the way I look to have a serious relationship. But, I may start dating again in 2025. We’ll see.
Last week, I met a friend for happy hour. Afterwards, we asked the server to take our photo. You can see in this photo, I am quite happy and in a good place mentally and physically. I will keep working toward getting to my weight loss goal, but I know it’s going to be a lot easier from here.
And, the best outcome of this process is– I’m living my best life.
So, I have a new hobby and a new job. I’m going to tell you about both and how it applies to my weight loss journey. Where we left off, some six months ago, I was frustrated that I was gaining weight because I stopped the Semaglutide.
That frustration was justified. I (re)gained 29lbs in roughly 6 months (from Feb. 27 to Aug. 10). As I stated in my last post, I wasn’t binging or eating “bad” food. I was just eating like a normal person without weight issues. Again, I will make the claim that my fat cells are a product of my trauma. Almost like a camel, my body wants to store fat around my bones and my organs to protect me. It’s kind of its job. I respect that.
So my brain and my body are in constant battle for control. For my part, I am working towards a a two-state solution.
In August, I started the Terzepatide compound. So, far I haven’t had any real side effects. It’s working. I’ve lost 15lbs and I’m not hungry. I don’t have that food compulsion instinct. I’ve made the commitment to stay on it. If I have to, forever. I feel good again. I can fit into my smaller sized clothes, and I don’t hate how I look in the reflection of a store window when I walk by. I know I have a long way to go. But, I’ve realized the key to this trek is PATIENCE. Or, maybe the countervailing strategy is not succombing to impatience.
This is where the Impatiens flowers come in. (Stay with me).
My sweet neighbor, Victor, takes care of me and my cat, Zeke. He has a key to my apartment and he lets Zeke in late at night when Zeke is done wandering our apartment complex and is ready to settle down in his comfy cat bed. For my birthday, Victor bought me a small plant for my patio. It was an Impatiens plant. Over the summer, that plant was losing its will to live. But, I kept watering it.
Which brings me to my new hobby. I’ve taken up songwriting as a hobby. Via the extraordinary capabilities of brilliant professionals in my field, I am now able to “generate” songs from the lyrics I write. This new creative outlet has enabled me to excavate the skeletal remains of deep-seeded trauma that’s been stowed away in many closets of my past. I can create songs without knowing how to play an instrument or sing a song. It’s pretty (fucking) amazing.
One of the songs I thought about writing was focused on how my nature is inclined to water dead plants. Because, someone who’s been through the trauma I’ve been through, cannot afford to give up hope.
Sure enough, my hope imperative delivered results. Sometime this month (mid-October), this plant I wrote off for dead, blossomed a single flower. I was over the moon. I sent it to Victor, and his sister, my good friend, Stephanie. We all agreed I should write a “comeback” song. I will, for sure, in time.
Which brings me to my current employment situationship. I’m a contractor for a large Big 4 professional services firm. One of the key tenets in the consulting world is predicated on looking to Business Model Reinvention to survive. The (correct) thinking about this is that if large organizations don’t put the time into understanding how technology will impact their current business models, they may not make it. So many examples come to mind that validate this claim. When’s the last time you took your family to Blockbuster, for example?
Net, net– as businesses need to reinvent themselves, so do humans. I’ve absolutely done this. My weight loss journey is a part of my own human reinvention. In many ways, I burned myself to the ground, and rebuilt myself from the ground up. I created a better, more resilient model of myself to face the future, and hopefully, be an asset to my grandchildren.
The lesson learned so far, is this is not a sprint. You cannot rush reinvention. It starts as incremental continuous improvement, morphs into transmogrification, which is sometimes painful for humans. Yet, as the young’uns say: Keep Going.
Eventually, you will see the fruits of your labor and the blossoms will bloom on the plant you wouldn’t give up on.
I got serious about not wanted to live my life as a morbidly obese person in the summer of 2017. That’s nearly 7 years ago. So, my trek to lose my excess weight has been ongoing for nearly a decade.
This blog has captured my journey– all of it. The physical milestones, the successes and failures, but most importantly, the psychological introspection that has been key to understanding my own relationship with my body and my self-image. More than the weight loss itself, I’m really pleased I’ve kept up documenting every step along this long path.
Where am I in this moment?
I’m about two-thirds of the way to where I want to be. Most of the weight loss I did organically by changing how and what I eat and how I live my life. When the GLP-1 drugs emerged on the market, and I had hit a plateau on what I was able to do on my own, I made the decision to get an assist in order to get to the finish line.
The drug is definitely working, but not as rapidly as it works for some. I only lose a few ounces a week, and if I eat “normally” (which means carbs/sugar), I will quickly gain a few pounds. That’s alarming, as I realize once I stop the drug, it’s going to be really difficult to not regain any weight.
I’m currently at the lowest weight I’ve been in 30 years. But, as you can see, I still have a long way to go. That red slice represents 50 lbs. I’m hopeful insurance companies and Medicare will begin to cover the GLP-1 (and newer variations) drugs. It’s obvious there are preventative health benefits. I know I feel healthier than I have since I was in my 20s and 30s. And, frankly, I look so much better.
The looking better thing is controversial, I know. What I have to say about this is: it’s an individual choice. Part of my goal with the wholesale radical transformation I’ve been going through the past few years is reclaiming my identity. I self-identify as a confident, self-satisfied woman. There’s no shame in that. I feel if more women would look inwardly to explore who they truly believe they are, and then put the work in to realize that vision, there would be a lot more secure, strong women in the world. And, hell, we need that in many ways.
In other words, I only answer to myself. I am accountable to me. I am working to satisfy my own standards.
I’ll wrap this up with this. I have become a major fan of a young Country singer, Megan Moroney. She’s got the right attitude and expresses how I feel in this song:
This is a photo of my father and his mother, my grandmother. I’m guessing my father was in his 20s in this photo, so that would date this photo sometime around 1938 or so.
My grandmother was a brilliant woman. She spoke seven languages. I’m posting this photo of her to bring attention to her shape.
In the 30s in America, there were no processed foods. No junk foods, no fast-food…
Let’s let AI tell us:
The 1930s were a very different time in terms of food and diet. There were no McDonald’s or other fast-food chains, and the concept of “junk food” didn’t really exist yet. Most people were eating traditional, home-cooked meals with whole, unprocessed ingredients.
In the 1930s, most families didn’t have access to refrigerators, so they relied on fresh, seasonal ingredients. Fast food restaurants didn’t exist, and there were very few processed foods available. The average American diet was much healthier in the 1930s than it is today. In fact, rates of obesity were much lower, and people had a much lower intake of sugar, sodium, and saturated fats.
My point here is I believe my body simply wants to be fat. It’s in my genes. I have similar photos of my mother who was obese the entire time I knew her on earth.
So, my body wants to be fat…
And my mind wants to be thin.
For this reason, I feel my journey is particularly difficult. I’m literally fighting with my DNA– the foundation of all living organisms on the planet.
Nonethless, I did go to the weight loss doctor. They started me on Ozempic which led to a bit of backlash when I announced it on my Facebook page. Not because my friends don’t want me to lose weight. Because there’s apparently a shortage of the drug that is life-saving for diabetics. The doctor told me they would be switching me to Wegovy when I return next month.
In short, I feel like I need science in this battle. I’m also doubling down and trying intermittent fasting.
This is going to be an uncomfortable and difficult post. I’m not really sure how many people read this blog, but I felt I needed to write this post regardless of the pushback I may get. And may deserve.
It’s been a few years since I’ve been on my losing weight trek. I had no idea if I’d make the kind of progress I have in this last iteration. Over the years I’ve quit and fallen in with the fat positive movement. But that never satisfied me. I always rebooted my weight loss goals. It unnerves me when anyone fat shames, including me, but accepting myself in an obese size has never felt right.
This post is for women who were once thin– women who were once athletic, attractive, and whose body would be considered by most in society… sexy. So many of the stories I’ve read about women who’ve lost a lot of weight start out this way, “I was always overweight. As a child, I was bullied… etc.” This is not me and not the story for a lot of women who find themselves (somewhat hopelessly) overweight in middle age. Social media has only exacerbated the pressure to look our best.
I’ve spent a lot of time wading through the complex psychology that led me to gain (and retain) so much weight. But always, always, in the back of my mind was my memory of the me that used to be. I’ve wanted to reclaim my identity for as long as I can remember. Well, specifically, since about 1992 when I was last a size 10 and had great sex with an a former colleague in England.
Let’s talk candidly about beauty. The truth of the matter is: beauty is empowering. Beauty and sex appeal is a cudgel. It’s a tool women can leverage effortlessly, while pretending they’re not. Women long for equality and agency, but they are stack-ranked against the ideals society places on them. This stack-ranking includes how attractive, or at the very least, how thin they are. It’s just a fact.
I encourage you to read this piece by Susi Orbach who wrote the original, “Fat is a Feminist Issue.” She outlines all the hazards of this obsession with female perfect body types, but it falls short in acknowledging the freedom and power thinness delivers to the western woman.
The physical transformation I am going through is significant. In short, I want my life back. I crave that agency I once owned. A great example for me is the superstar vocalist, Adele. Take a look at her before and after. Now, of course, Adele is a performer in the entertainment industry who lives in the spotlight. But the effects of this reinvention is available to all of us. Granted, Adele can afford to spend a lot more on trainers, perfect food choices, and therapy, but the same before and after results are within reach to the average person, if you focus on the outcome.
Adele lost over 100lbs. She’s talked candidly about how it’s made a difference in not only her physical health, but her mental health.
I’m a grandmother. I have a grandson in an MBA program. But, it’s not too late for me. I realized my shadow self (just like Generative AI!) wants to get out. I want to be the woman I was before I became so damaged that I felt I need to wear a fat suit of armor.
I’m getting there.
Thanks for reading, and I sincerely hope I have not offended anyone. This blog is about my personal experience, and I bear no judgment on anyone’s personal choices about how they wish to live their life.
That was one of the first things she said to me. Nikki, that is. She’s the woman I am going to hire as my trainer if a job I’m waiting on comes through.
I processed my last big question I was wrestling with in my last post for a week. ICYMI, here it is: “Am I sufficiently psychologically fit to be physically fit?” I came to the conclusion the answer was probably no, but I need to do it anyway.
Over the weekend, I decided to sign up for the pricey gym where I used to be a member here in Austin in 2011. The gym has gone through changes, but it’s still a beautiful facility. It’s even more beautiful, actually. Bonus: they’ve added a Pickleball program.
I asked around about trainers and was pointed to Nikki who would be the best in-house trainer who’d be able to understand what I’ve been going through and get me to where I want to be.
I spoke to Nikki for about an hour at the gym. I showed her my charts, read her my numbers, told her my story… She was empathetic and supportive. I was particularly happy with her, “Trackers are winners” comment, as I’m still obsessed with all my health data. It will be interesting to share this data with someone in a collaborative way to make adjustments to my progress.
The investment in the gym and Nikki will be trés cher. I’ve rationalized the expense by recalling what my South Dakota wellness coach asked me, “What would your life be like if you reached your weight goal?” Again, it hit me like a ton of bricks that EVERYTHING in my life would be better. When someone shows you a crystal ball sneak preview of your potentially amazing life… it’s not something you can ignore or dismiss.
How much would you pay to radically improve your life? I’ll bet the answer is a lot.
I should hear about the new job in the next few weeks. In the meantime, I have made the commitment to go to the gym every week. I will keep you posted, as usual.
Incidentally, I did the math. If I lose 2lbs* a week, I could get to my goal in 7.7 months. That puts me at the end of 2023.
*When I began seriously changing the way I eat, I averaged about 1lb loss a week. But, during that year, I did not have a trainer or a rigorous exercise program. So, this number may be too optimistic, but it can suffice as a goal for now.
The perfect opener for this post is this over-the-top video of the song by Swedish band Europe with its big hair, 80s metal vibe.
As you know, I’ve written on this blog about how losing weight has a lot more to do with psychology than biology. I have been writing this blog for almost FIFTEEN years. So, 15 years a slave to obesity.
Obviously, I’ve made more progress than ever in the past few years, and I’m proud of that. But, the truth is, I have a psychological block about reaching that final destination. I’m exploring that out loud here on this page.
Why?
Well, let’s start with today in 2023: I’ve started dating again. I don’t look so terrible that I would be embarrassed to show up on a blind date. (I’m using a dating app, and that’s essentially what they are, blind dates where you have an inkling of who the other person is, but not much more than that.) Yet, I know I’m still too overweight to be attractive to the opposite sex. Or, at least attractive enough to the type of guy my 20-year old self would be attracted to at my age.
It’s complicated. On the one hand, maybe I should lower my standards and embrace where I fit in on the dating totem pole at this stage in my life. But, on the other hand, I could make the commitment, buckle down, and reach my goal weight. Be thin again. Be attractive again (even at this age).
Option number 2 opens up a Pandora’s box. It literally leaves me vulnerable to getting seriously hurt or further damaged. Option number 1 is pretty much unrealistic, as this is not how I’m wired.
So, I’m at an impasse– stuck in a sandtrap in my mind.
If I lean into option #2, I have already done the research on how to do it. The gym that I love, where I was a member before here in Austin, has everything I need to progress toward my goal. I would hire a trainer and launch, “The Final Countdown.” I’d have to get more diligent cutting back on carbs/sugar and reducing my alcohol intake. All of it would be difficult, expensive, and time-consuming. In many ways, it would be like starting from the beginning because this last leg of the journey would be the most demanding.
Am I sufficiently psychologically fit to be physically fit?
I used to say that losing weight when you’re “morbidly obese” is like trying to empty a swimming pool with a teaspoon. It takes enduring patience and a lot of time. Most everyone eventually gives up somewhere along the way. It’s tedious and frustrating at the same time.
I’ve been thinking about that analogy lately, as I’m still emptying that pool– one teaspoon at a time.
This morning I weighed myself and I am at my lowest weight in nearly three decades of struggling with weight loss. Yet, according to my doctor and my BMI, I am still morbidly obese. According to my own progress chart, I’ve lost about half the weight (55lbs)* I wanted to lose since I began this new effort in April 2021. Yet, I still have 67lbs to go to get to where I want to be.
With this knowledge, I decided this morning to reframe that “spoonful” to associate with a great song that came out in 1965 when I was a child: Do You Believe in Magic? by The Lovin’ Spoonful.
One of the most popular TV sitcoms in that era was Bewitched, another one of my favorites from my childhood. If I were Samantha (the SAHW), I could have twitched my nose and lost all my weight in an instant.
But, that’s not how it works in the real world.
In the real world, it’s a slog.
That said: it is a labor of love. It’s an extreme expression of self-love and self-care. To keep going, you need to encourage yourself, tell yourself you’re worth it, tell yourself you deserve to be the very best version of yourself you can be. Perhaps it’s a form of healthy narcissism.
I believe in the magic of my young girl’s heart. Hence, I continue slowly, but surely.
I see the “reinvented” me in the distance, a little hazy on the horizon. But my eyes are locked on her like a heat-seeking missile.
Onwards, with love.
*to be fair to myself, I’ve lost 70.3lbs from my highest weight in the summer of 2017.
The Fatcinating Blog 