Author: Susan Scrupski

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Status Report

So, summer is over in Central Texas. We’re heading into the rainy season.

I wanted to check-in and report how it’s going with the Semaglutide. I started injecting myself this week with the higher dosage: 1.0mg. It was surprisingly easy, and not scary at all.

The weight loss has been slow-going, but since I started in June, I think I’ve lost about 20lbs. So, that’s not terrible. Of course, remember, I had gained weight when I moved here. But, I pushed past that weight gain and am now back on track to continue losing.

You can see on the chart a slight tick up, and then the sharp decline. That’s about when I started the Ozempic.

I did the math and discovered I still need to lose 60lbs to get to my desired goal weight. So, it feels like I will be on this drug for a very long time. Maybe a year.

After working so hard for so long to lose this weight, I at least want to arrive at my goal. Once there, I’m not sure what will happen. Predictably, I will probably start gaining again once I’m off the medicine.

My theory on this is that at that lower weight, I will not mind exercising. I might even start jogging again like I used to when I was younger. I will definitely go back to the gym. It will be more comfortable in a thinner size.

I will definitely pursue the horseback-riding goal too. Maybe by this time next year, I can finally deliver on my original goal to ride horses again.

But, to be honest, I’m not unhappy with my progress. There have been some great small victories as I’m a “smaller” person now. For instance, when I was severely obese, I wasn’t able to take a bath. I didn’t have the agility to get out of the tub. That seems really awful, but it’s true. Now I take baths all the time. It’s a great way to relax after a long day.

Also, when I go to the department store, I skip the Plus section. I go directly to the “better sportswear” section. I can definitely fit in L and XL tops now, so I’ve been enjoying browsing the new fall fashions. I even bought a dress recently I’m looking forward to wearing. I particularly like this fashion brand, Bryn Walker. I’m very much looking forward to being thin so these clothes fit me well. Of course, I will never be a 0 or supermodel thin, but the opportunity to wear good quality, fashionable designer clothes is within reach.

I’m planning on continuing on this path. I will keep you updated. In the meantime, happy fall. There’s not much of a fall in Central Texas, but I sure am glad those 100+ degree days are coming to an end.

Marking Time

It’s been about two months since I last wrote. I am not thrilled to report that I have not made much progress. I definitely lost that miserable 15lbs I gained when I moved to Texas, but it’s been slow-going since then on the Semaglutide. I started on Ozempic and am still on it for a few more weeks. I’m only at the .5 dosage, so still just making a dent in the progress and maybe the potential.

The clinic is moving me up to 1.0 in a few weeks. We already ordered it, so should be here in 3 weeks or so. I’ve read that at the higher dosage, it really kicks in. I’m willing to make the investment to try it. So far, it hasn’t been crazy expensive. The clinic has been working with me, as I’m paying out of pocket. I’m willing to keep going to see if things start accelerating at the higher dosage.

Nonetheless, since I started June 12, I’ve only lost 7.7lbs. That’s about three-quarters of a lb per week. C’est la guerre.

OF COURSE, I am not exercising. So there’s that. But, what I’ve realized is I’ve so dramatically changed the way I eat* as a result of what I’ve been doing for the past few years, I can’t expect to have the same dramatic results other people do.

The shot absolutely descreases your appetite. I honestly can’t remember being hungry all summer. I could probably abuse the Semaglutide and eat very little, but that would not be sustainable over time. I am concerned about going off it too. I don’t have severe side effects (yet, anyway). I’m a little nauseous sometimes, but nothing serious. Constipation is one annoying side effect, but that doesn’t happen often. So far, so good in other words.

So, this is just a check-in post to let you know how it’s going. I’ll report in again when I have something else to say. 🙂

On the choice of photo, I’ve been wondering about the French lately. Why are they so thin? They eat bread, pastries, cheese, drink wine… They take long lunches. I remember a book, “French Women Don’t Get Fat” that came out in 2007. I think I’m going to pick it up from the library.

Onwards.

*I still severely limit my carbs and have effectively eliminated refined sugar from my life.

Mind over Matter

This is a photo of my father and his mother, my grandmother. I’m guessing my father was in his 20s in this photo, so that would date this photo sometime around 1938 or so.

My grandmother was a brilliant woman. She spoke seven languages. I’m posting this photo of her to bring attention to her shape.

In the 30s in America, there were no processed foods. No junk foods, no fast-food…

Let’s let AI tell us:

The 1930s were a very different time in terms of food and diet. There were no McDonald’s or other fast-food chains, and the concept of “junk food” didn’t really exist yet. Most people were eating traditional, home-cooked meals with whole, unprocessed ingredients.

In the 1930s, most families didn’t have access to refrigerators, so they relied on fresh, seasonal ingredients. Fast food restaurants didn’t exist, and there were very few processed foods available. The average American diet was much healthier in the 1930s than it is today. In fact, rates of obesity were much lower, and people had a much lower intake of sugar, sodium, and saturated fats.

My point here is I believe my body simply wants to be fat. It’s in my genes. I have similar photos of my mother who was obese the entire time I knew her on earth.

So, my body wants to be fat…

And my mind wants to be thin.

For this reason, I feel my journey is particularly difficult. I’m literally fighting with my DNA– the foundation of all living organisms on the planet.

Nonethless, I did go to the weight loss doctor. They started me on Ozempic which led to a bit of backlash when I announced it on my Facebook page. Not because my friends don’t want me to lose weight. Because there’s apparently a shortage of the drug that is life-saving for diabetics. The doctor told me they would be switching me to Wegovy when I return next month.

In short, I feel like I need science in this battle. I’m also doubling down and trying intermittent fasting.

Wish me luck.

Wo(e)-govy

So, I’ve gone from bad to worse. This morning, I finally decided I had to weigh myself. Yep, not only did I gain weight AGAIN; it occurred to me that I gained as much in TWO months that took me an entire YEAR to lose. (13lbs– that’s a dress size.)

When I moved back to Texas, I fell into temptation. Queso is probably my favorite comfort food in the whole world. Same with most Mexican food. So, for the past few months, I’ve been eating tortillas and chips, ON OCCASION, hoping that I could somehow absorb these carbs with no ramifications.

That was an illusion. Sure enough, those fat cells laying quietly shrunken in waiting, were thrilled to puff back up to reclaim their rightful position on my body.

I had a conversation with my oldest daughter this morning where I shared my frustration about how I am coming to understand I will NEVER be able to eat “normally” again. From this day forward, if I want to get thin and stay thin, I will have to give up eating food that I love. Like, for the rest of my life.

For that reason, I made the decision to start a physician-assisted Wegovy program. I’m starting Monday. As you know, I wanted to lose my weight without sacrificing too much and without spending money. But, at this sad juncture in my progress, I realize that is unrealistic. I need something drastic.

I will let you know how it goes.

WTAF?

I’ve been hitting a series of setbacks the past few weeks. First of all, for the very first time since I got serious about losing my weight, I gained. I’ve been on a slow, but steady progressive down slope for, literally, years. I started Feb. 13, 2021 and lost weight every week for nearly two and a half years.

When I decided to double down and join a gym to accelerate my weight loss… I GAINED WEIGHT.

WTAF?

I really didn’t change how I eat (that’s not entirely true); and my trainer at the gym said it’s because I’m building muscle. But, seriously? Do you know how bad that makes me feel?

It was a horror. I don’t care about building muscle. I want to lose the extra pounds.

Something was just not right.

I decided to quit the gym for now. This wasn’t the only reason. The other reason is this gym is really not for obese people trying to lose weight. It’s for super fit people working at maintaining their super fitness.

I started evaluating my options. I even looked into Wegovy at a local clinic that has an obesity program. I’m still considering that, but I still want to see if there is a way I can do this naturally.

So, it sticks.

You understand, yes?

I also have been mindful of the intention I set for the beginning of 2023 to get back on a horse.

I found a local stable that has lessons. Here’s what I found on the stable’s website:

That weight– 150lbs– is not even my goal weight (It’s 177). I will never be 150 again in my life. What a disappointment! I remember doing the math on how much I would have to lose to safely get on a horse. I computed 240, not 150. So, another major setback. Or course, I could buy a horse, but I don’t want to do that. I may be able to find another stable with less restrictive rules, or bigger horses. I’d be lying, however, if I did not admit this has been a downer.

The last disappointment has been the dating scene. I’m not getting anywhere. I must still be unf..kable. I started thinking of a poem to address that sad fact. If I get around to writing it, I will post it here.

I will close this depressing post on a positive note. I found the shirt I wore in the photo where I was at my heaviest. It’s actually a cute shirt, and looks good now.

So, fuck everybody.

Thin is a Feminist Issue

This is going to be an uncomfortable and difficult post. I’m not really sure how many people read this blog, but I felt I needed to write this post regardless of the pushback I may get. And may deserve.

It’s been a few years since I’ve been on my losing weight trek. I had no idea if I’d make the kind of progress I have in this last iteration. Over the years I’ve quit and fallen in with the fat positive movement. But that never satisfied me. I always rebooted my weight loss goals. It unnerves me when anyone fat shames, including me, but accepting myself in an obese size has never felt right.

This post is for women who were once thin– women who were once athletic, attractive, and whose body would be considered by most in society… sexy. So many of the stories I’ve read about women who’ve lost a lot of weight start out this way, “I was always overweight. As a child, I was bullied… etc.” This is not me and not the story for a lot of women who find themselves (somewhat hopelessly) overweight in middle age. Social media has only exacerbated the pressure to look our best.

I’ve spent a lot of time wading through the complex psychology that led me to gain (and retain) so much weight. But always, always, in the back of my mind was my memory of the me that used to be. I’ve wanted to reclaim my identity for as long as I can remember. Well, specifically, since about 1992 when I was last a size 10 and had great sex with an a former colleague in England.

Let’s talk candidly about beauty. The truth of the matter is: beauty is empowering. Beauty and sex appeal is a cudgel. It’s a tool women can leverage effortlessly, while pretending they’re not. Women long for equality and agency, but they are stack-ranked against the ideals society places on them. This stack-ranking includes how attractive, or at the very least, how thin they are. It’s just a fact.

I encourage you to read this piece by Susi Orbach who wrote the original, “Fat is a Feminist Issue.” She outlines all the hazards of this obsession with female perfect body types, but it falls short in acknowledging the freedom and power thinness delivers to the western woman.

The physical transformation I am going through is significant. In short, I want my life back. I crave that agency I once owned. A great example for me is the superstar vocalist, Adele. Take a look at her before and after. Now, of course, Adele is a performer in the entertainment industry who lives in the spotlight. But the effects of this reinvention is available to all of us. Granted, Adele can afford to spend a lot more on trainers, perfect food choices, and therapy, but the same before and after results are within reach to the average person, if you focus on the outcome.

Adele lost over 100lbs. She’s talked candidly about how it’s made a difference in not only her physical health, but her mental health.

I’m a grandmother. I have a grandson in an MBA program. But, it’s not too late for me. I realized my shadow self (just like Generative AI!) wants to get out. I want to be the woman I was before I became so damaged that I felt I need to wear a fat suit of armor.

I’m getting there.

Thanks for reading, and I sincerely hope I have not offended anyone. This blog is about my personal experience, and I bear no judgment on anyone’s personal choices about how they wish to live their life.

“Trackers are Winners”

That was one of the first things she said to me. Nikki, that is. She’s the woman I am going to hire as my trainer if a job I’m waiting on comes through.

I processed my last big question I was wrestling with in my last post for a week. ICYMI, here it is: “Am I sufficiently psychologically fit to be physically fit?” I came to the conclusion the answer was probably no, but I need to do it anyway.

Over the weekend, I decided to sign up for the pricey gym where I used to be a member here in Austin in 2011. The gym has gone through changes, but it’s still a beautiful facility. It’s even more beautiful, actually. Bonus: they’ve added a Pickleball program.

I asked around about trainers and was pointed to Nikki who would be the best in-house trainer who’d be able to understand what I’ve been going through and get me to where I want to be.

I spoke to Nikki for about an hour at the gym. I showed her my charts, read her my numbers, told her my story… She was empathetic and supportive. I was particularly happy with her, “Trackers are winners” comment, as I’m still obsessed with all my health data. It will be interesting to share this data with someone in a collaborative way to make adjustments to my progress.

The investment in the gym and Nikki will be trés cher. I’ve rationalized the expense by recalling what my South Dakota wellness coach asked me, “What would your life be like if you reached your weight goal?” Again, it hit me like a ton of bricks that EVERYTHING in my life would be better. When someone shows you a crystal ball sneak preview of your potentially amazing life… it’s not something you can ignore or dismiss.

How much would you pay to radically improve your life? I’ll bet the answer is a lot.

I should hear about the new job in the next few weeks. In the meantime, I have made the commitment to go to the gym every week. I will keep you posted, as usual.

Incidentally, I did the math. If I lose 2lbs* a week, I could get to my goal in 7.7 months. That puts me at the end of 2023.

*When I began seriously changing the way I eat, I averaged about 1lb loss a week. But, during that year, I did not have a trainer or a rigorous exercise program. So, this number may be too optimistic, but it can suffice as a goal for now.

The Final Countdown

The perfect opener for this post is this over-the-top video of the song by Swedish band Europe with its big hair, 80s metal vibe.

As you know, I’ve written on this blog about how losing weight has a lot more to do with psychology than biology. I have been writing this blog for almost FIFTEEN years. So, 15 years a slave to obesity.

Obviously, I’ve made more progress than ever in the past few years, and I’m proud of that. But, the truth is, I have a psychological block about reaching that final destination. I’m exploring that out loud here on this page.

Why?

Well, let’s start with today in 2023: I’ve started dating again. I don’t look so terrible that I would be embarrassed to show up on a blind date. (I’m using a dating app, and that’s essentially what they are, blind dates where you have an inkling of who the other person is, but not much more than that.) Yet, I know I’m still too overweight to be attractive to the opposite sex. Or, at least attractive enough to the type of guy my 20-year old self would be attracted to at my age.

It’s complicated. On the one hand, maybe I should lower my standards and embrace where I fit in on the dating totem pole at this stage in my life. But, on the other hand, I could make the commitment, buckle down, and reach my goal weight. Be thin again. Be attractive again (even at this age).

Option number 2 opens up a Pandora’s box. It literally leaves me vulnerable to getting seriously hurt or further damaged. Option number 1 is pretty much unrealistic, as this is not how I’m wired.

So, I’m at an impasse– stuck in a sandtrap in my mind.

If I lean into option #2, I have already done the research on how to do it. The gym that I love, where I was a member before here in Austin, has everything I need to progress toward my goal. I would hire a trainer and launch, “The Final Countdown.” I’d have to get more diligent cutting back on carbs/sugar and reducing my alcohol intake. All of it would be difficult, expensive, and time-consuming. In many ways, it would be like starting from the beginning because this last leg of the journey would be the most demanding.

Am I sufficiently psychologically fit to be physically fit?

That is what I’m asking myself.

WTF is a Style Moodboard? And… HELP!

So, the transition from the technology sector to the entertainment industry was a bit of an adjustment! I relocated to Austin and joined a startup in the TV and film business. One of the alliances I put together was a relationship with the local film society here.

The film society is a non-profit, and the organization was holding its annual fundraiser at Willie Nelson’s Luck ranch. We had four tickets and the chance to hobnob with entertainment elites who would be attending.

When the invitation came through, it mentioned the Dress Code:

Yikes! No one ever sent along a style moodboard to any tech conference I attended. I had that sinking feeling this was going to be a disaster if I showed up underdressed, or worse, like a tech person.

I didn’t know anyone I could ask here about where to go or what to wear, so I moved fast and checked to see if one of the high-end retail stores had a concierge service. Sure enough, Nordstom had a personal shopper service. Whew! I made the decision to select a personal shopper from New Jersey, so I could be completely honest about how freaked out I was. (I’m a Jersey girl, and I knew another Jersey girl would relate!)

I got super lucky with Lois Bursey Schleiffer. Not only did she assure me she could help me; she calmed my nerves and got to work immediately. And I reached out to her on a SUNDAY night. She worked fast and pulled together several dresses and boots options, after I told her my sizes. I also sent her the moodboard to give her context.

I ended up buying all the dresses so I could try them on at my local store. In the end, I selected the one that fit the best. The boots I picked were perfect with this particular dress because they complemented the satin underneath its lacy top.

Remember in the beginning of this blog I had expressed an interest in wearing fashionable clothes again? This night was an incredible opportunity to play dress-up and enjoy myself. I wish I had been able to order a dress in size zero, but knowing I could wear something fashionable that would “belong” with this crowd was a joy.

Lois was super happy too, and she posted about the experience on her Instagram.

Here are a few photos from the event. It was truly magical.

New Year’s Intentions for 2023

Well? This new year, 2023, is going to bring a lot of change into my life. I’m leaving South Dakota in 10 days and heading back to where this blog began: Austin, TX.

I was looking at some of my first posts on this blog, and I had tried a number of ways to lose weight. One of my favorite posts on this blog is from December 2011. “Getting back on the horse.” I made a simple list of the reasons why I wanted to lose weight. At the top of the list is a desire to ride horses.

I still have that goal. I’m finally at a weight where it’s safe (for the horse) to get in the saddle.

The Texas hill country is beautiful. And the weather can present a pleasant trail riding experience.

So, my goal for 2023 is to get in that saddle. When I do, I will post photos.

New Job

I started a new job that is taking me to Austin. I found a place close to the gym that I love. I’m hoping to go to the gym on the days I work from home: Tuesday, Friday and then on the weekends. If the traffic’s not too bad, I’ll try to get there during the week too.

In general Austin is an active town. I’m looking forward to making progress with my weight loss there.

Have a great end to your 2022, and I will see you next year!

Thanks for continuing with me on my journey.