Fat is clumsy

I have a hard time reaching my feet. I have to grab my shin to put on a sock. The massive frame of my body prevents me from moving around freely. Everything is an effort. I’m always afraid when I go into a boutique gift shop that I will knock something over because I misjudged my hips. Getting on and off buses is never graceful. (I need to take buses for various industry events where they shuttle you to dinner and events.) When I attend conferences, many times large groups of us will walk to nearby restaurants. Invariably, I always end up 20 paces behind the pack, trailing with some poor colleague who feels sorry for me. I was reading an article recently about how to react in a crisis. The article pointed out that people who were not fit suffered many more injuries and sometimes death because they didn’t have the ability to escape easily from a dangerous situation.

Of course, I’m writing this blog post laying in bed. I need to get moving today. I’m also going to the grocery store. Planning healthy choices.

The (humiliation of the) Gym

I’ve let my gym membership languish. I forced myself to stop in today to look into getting my account straightened out. I had frozen my personal account because I wasn’t going, but because of a billing glitch, they terminated my daughter’s account. She’s not going to be happy to hear that. (My daughter has been in the Northeast all summer). She’s coming home on Monday.

The gym I used to attend when we lived up North had a womans-only area where I didn’t feel so self-conscious on the equipment. In addition, there were many all-size women who worked out at that gym, so I never felt too freakish. This new gym, however, gives me the self-conscious heebie jeebies. I feel like they should pay me to go there, as I’m a walking billboard for reasons why other members need to keep coming.

I don’t really like this gym. All I can really do at this weight is the treadmill. The treadmills are not as advanced as the one in my old gym. I used to listen to CNBC in the morning and several podcasts that I would synchronize to my ipod before I left in the morning. I’d like to switch gyms, but I’m not sure I can get out of my contract. In any event, I’m going to have to start going.

I’ve thought about walking around the neighborhood. It’s so unbearably hot here though.

Beginning at the beginning

For the past few months, it’s been bothering me that I am grotesquely overweight. Although I don’t have high blood pressure or diabetes or any other indicator that I’m unhealthy (even my cholesterol levels are not terribly unhealthy), the truth remains I am morbidly obese. My BMI is 46 where it should be somewhere around 20 or so. I weigh 285.

As a professional, I spend a lot of time online. I work on the social web, so to speak. It occurred to me that I should try blogging about my journey to reinvent my body shape. When I started researching “fat” blogs, I came across Jennette Fulda’s amazing PastaQueen blog and story. As they say, if she can do it, so can I.

Maybe.

When I went through my divorce, I kept a journal online. It was invaluable to be able to express my emotions, my fears, and ultimately my joy when it was over. The journal was private, however. For this life-changing trek, I see the value in sharing my experience with others who are also struggling and with those who can offer encouragement and advice. It’s a little scary putting it all out there in the public domain, but that’s part of the problem with obesity. We’re afraid to deal with it head on.

So, with that short introduction, I’m beginning my trek. I don’t know where it will take me, how long it will take me, and whether I’ll ever succeed at tackling my obesity, but this is my attempt to begin. For now, I’m going to mask my real identity. I feel badly about that, but the real truth is, I’m ashamed of my weight problem. I’ll be talking a lot more about that in posts to come.