Tag: goals

On My Way

I’m making progress on getting to my goal. It’s slow-going now, but I’m not unhappy with my new life as a thinner person. Most of the goals I had for this journey, I have achieved. It’s a great accomplishment.

Here are two selfies (untouched) I took yesterday. Remember the first time I could wear a belt? This belt is from Free People, one of my favorite stores. It’s so satisfying that I can actually shop there now. That dressing room on the right is theirs, btw.

The main issue I have right now is my saggy skin. There are surgeries for this sort of thing, but I’m kind of unwilling to do that. You can see it on my right arm if you zoom in. I still have a lot of fat to lose on my lower abdomen, hips, and legs, but again, it’s not that bad. I’m able to fit in normal-sized clothes now. These are size 14 pants I’m wearing.

I started working out with a trainer again too. It’s resistance training. I’m doing it for mostly health reasons. Trying to rebuild muscle and get stronger.

My newfound music passion has been super rewarding too. I’m getting better at playing guitar and this Friday I will release my third album. It’s definitely my best one yet. I basically write stories from the past and the present, considering I don’t have much of a future to write about, haha.

I do know this: when my wellness coach from South Dakota asked me, “What would your life be like if you reached your goal weight?” My response was, “Everything in my life would be better.” I could see that future possibility.

And now I’ve made that happen.

And it is.

Staying the Course

Decided to keep writing on this blog on the off chance someone stumbles on it, and it can help motivate them. This week I finally reached my 100lb loss goal. I created a promo card and shared it with my friends. The truth of the matter is continuing on a path to lose weight is a lonely journey. At least if you’re doing it yourself and not with a group or partner.

I still have about a long way to go to get to my goal, but this milestone is significant and wanted to celebrate that I’ve reached my interim goal.

I’ve been able to follow through on a number of my intentions. Starting with the ability to get back on a horse! That’s a significant one. A few weeks ago I went on a trail ride. I was super happy about that. I still need to lose about 30lbs before I’ll feel comfortable riding the way I used to, but the fact I was able to easily get on a horse and enjoy a trail ride through the Texas hill country was so satisfying. Hopefully, I’ll keep losing weight over the summer and maybe by late fall when the weather cools off a little, I’m going to look into leasing or buying a horse. At the very least, maybe taking lessons.

One of the best outcomes in the weight loss is the ability to buy clothes in somewhat normal sizes again. In my closet, I now have separate sections by size. I’ve been giving away my largest clothes sizes, planning to never need them again. I’m very close to being able to buy normal size clothes and have gone from a size 28 in pants to a 16. I’m still not thin by any means, but what a difference that makes. I also hired a trainer again. I work out with her every week. I’m feeling stronger and I’m hoping the workouts will deliver a lot of benefits in addition to accelerating the weight loss. At my age, it’s good to build muscle mass and get as fit as possible. It has mental health benefits, as well as physical.

And now that I feel like I can relatively participate in society as a relatively normal-sized person, I’ve taken up new interests. The most fulfilling one is I’ve begun writing songs, as I mentioned a few posts back. The songs help me process a lot of the pain and anguish that has surfaced on this blog over the years. One of my favorite new songs (a Country music song) is a song I wrote to myself. It’s called, “Hello You.” It’s a song that was derived from the sentiment in this post, “Thin is a Feminist Issue.” I wrote then how much I wanted my life back. Today, I’m pretty close to achieving that dream and this song captures that vibe. Below is the Spotify link, but you can hear it on your preferred streaming platform. (Just search this song and my name). I think this is the first time I’ve actually mentioned my real name on this blog, too.

Stay the course! You can do this.

Semaglutide #Fail(ure)

So, I am really not making much progress on Semaglutide. Since I started in June, I’ve only lost 13lbs. That’s over 4 months. If I average it out, that’s 3.25lbs a month. Not great.

As I’ve said before, the shot absolutely works like magic in decreasing, if not eliminating, your appetite. The issue for me is I can’t really eat less than I normally do. That would be unhealthy. As it is, I’m eating very little every day. And I’ve mostly stayed true to my healthy, low-carb, no sugar regimen. Occasionally, I’ll do something dumb like eat normally, or eat popcorn at the movie theater. But the majority of my day-to-day eating is the same as it was over the past few years, only maybe a little bit less quantity. The medicine also makes you feel full quickly, so it’s uncomfortable to overeat.

I always knew this last part of my weight loss trek was going to be difficult, but I was hoping the Semaglutide would accelerate my progress. This week, I will increase my dosage again to 1.7mg. The highest you can go is 2.4mg. If I don’t see any progress at those higher dosages, then I will probably consider quitting. That option is still a few months out, so I’m not fixating on it right now.

In other news, while I’ve been disappointed in the pace of my weight loss, I computed how much weight I’ve lost from my high a few years ago. It turns out, I’ve lost 81lbs. In that context, it’s pretty amazing. I’ve reached a lot of my short-term goals. The best is being able to shop in “regular size” boutiques and department stores. I was saying recently to my longtime best friend that I don’t feel like I look terrible, even though I’m still technically obese and weigh as much as an NFL linebacker. When I pass a random mirror, I’m actually amazed at how much better I look. It used to be the exact opposite.

I’ve started to consider my long, long-term goal of being able to ride horses. A friend of mine from work has two horses she keeps at a stable about a half-hour from me. It’s a large stable with about 100 horses. They give lessons; they board; and they even lease horses. She told me I’m not too big to get on a horse now. That was very kind.

I do want to lose about 30lbs before I try that, but I’m starting to get motivated about the idea of finally getting on a horse. It’s “exercise” I long to do.

Here are some photos from the stable:

Marking Time

It’s been about two months since I last wrote. I am not thrilled to report that I have not made much progress. I definitely lost that miserable 15lbs I gained when I moved to Texas, but it’s been slow-going since then on the Semaglutide. I started on Ozempic and am still on it for a few more weeks. I’m only at the .5 dosage, so still just making a dent in the progress and maybe the potential.

The clinic is moving me up to 1.0 in a few weeks. We already ordered it, so should be here in 3 weeks or so. I’ve read that at the higher dosage, it really kicks in. I’m willing to make the investment to try it. So far, it hasn’t been crazy expensive. The clinic has been working with me, as I’m paying out of pocket. I’m willing to keep going to see if things start accelerating at the higher dosage.

Nonetheless, since I started June 12, I’ve only lost 7.7lbs. That’s about three-quarters of a lb per week. C’est la guerre.

OF COURSE, I am not exercising. So there’s that. But, what I’ve realized is I’ve so dramatically changed the way I eat* as a result of what I’ve been doing for the past few years, I can’t expect to have the same dramatic results other people do.

The shot absolutely descreases your appetite. I honestly can’t remember being hungry all summer. I could probably abuse the Semaglutide and eat very little, but that would not be sustainable over time. I am concerned about going off it too. I don’t have severe side effects (yet, anyway). I’m a little nauseous sometimes, but nothing serious. Constipation is one annoying side effect, but that doesn’t happen often. So far, so good in other words.

So, this is just a check-in post to let you know how it’s going. I’ll report in again when I have something else to say. 🙂

On the choice of photo, I’ve been wondering about the French lately. Why are they so thin? They eat bread, pastries, cheese, drink wine… They take long lunches. I remember a book, “French Women Don’t Get Fat” that came out in 2007. I think I’m going to pick it up from the library.

Onwards.

*I still severely limit my carbs and have effectively eliminated refined sugar from my life.

Wo(e)-govy

So, I’ve gone from bad to worse. This morning, I finally decided I had to weigh myself. Yep, not only did I gain weight AGAIN; it occurred to me that I gained as much in TWO months that took me an entire YEAR to lose. (13lbs– that’s a dress size.)

When I moved back to Texas, I fell into temptation. Queso is probably my favorite comfort food in the whole world. Same with most Mexican food. So, for the past few months, I’ve been eating tortillas and chips, ON OCCASION, hoping that I could somehow absorb these carbs with no ramifications.

That was an illusion. Sure enough, those fat cells laying quietly shrunken in waiting, were thrilled to puff back up to reclaim their rightful position on my body.

I had a conversation with my oldest daughter this morning where I shared my frustration about how I am coming to understand I will NEVER be able to eat “normally” again. From this day forward, if I want to get thin and stay thin, I will have to give up eating food that I love. Like, for the rest of my life.

For that reason, I made the decision to start a physician-assisted Wegovy program. I’m starting Monday. As you know, I wanted to lose my weight without sacrificing too much and without spending money. But, at this sad juncture in my progress, I realize that is unrealistic. I need something drastic.

I will let you know how it goes.

WTAF?

I’ve been hitting a series of setbacks the past few weeks. First of all, for the very first time since I got serious about losing my weight, I gained. I’ve been on a slow, but steady progressive down slope for, literally, years. I started Feb. 13, 2021 and lost weight every week for nearly two and a half years.

When I decided to double down and join a gym to accelerate my weight loss… I GAINED WEIGHT.

WTAF?

I really didn’t change how I eat (that’s not entirely true); and my trainer at the gym said it’s because I’m building muscle. But, seriously? Do you know how bad that makes me feel?

It was a horror. I don’t care about building muscle. I want to lose the extra pounds.

Something was just not right.

I decided to quit the gym for now. This wasn’t the only reason. The other reason is this gym is really not for obese people trying to lose weight. It’s for super fit people working at maintaining their super fitness.

I started evaluating my options. I even looked into Wegovy at a local clinic that has an obesity program. I’m still considering that, but I still want to see if there is a way I can do this naturally.

So, it sticks.

You understand, yes?

I also have been mindful of the intention I set for the beginning of 2023 to get back on a horse.

I found a local stable that has lessons. Here’s what I found on the stable’s website:

That weight– 150lbs– is not even my goal weight (It’s 177). I will never be 150 again in my life. What a disappointment! I remember doing the math on how much I would have to lose to safely get on a horse. I computed 240, not 150. So, another major setback. Or course, I could buy a horse, but I don’t want to do that. I may be able to find another stable with less restrictive rules, or bigger horses. I’d be lying, however, if I did not admit this has been a downer.

The last disappointment has been the dating scene. I’m not getting anywhere. I must still be unf..kable. I started thinking of a poem to address that sad fact. If I get around to writing it, I will post it here.

I will close this depressing post on a positive note. I found the shirt I wore in the photo where I was at my heaviest. It’s actually a cute shirt, and looks good now.

So, fuck everybody.

“Trackers are Winners”

That was one of the first things she said to me. Nikki, that is. She’s the woman I am going to hire as my trainer if a job I’m waiting on comes through.

I processed my last big question I was wrestling with in my last post for a week. ICYMI, here it is: “Am I sufficiently psychologically fit to be physically fit?” I came to the conclusion the answer was probably no, but I need to do it anyway.

Over the weekend, I decided to sign up for the pricey gym where I used to be a member here in Austin in 2011. The gym has gone through changes, but it’s still a beautiful facility. It’s even more beautiful, actually. Bonus: they’ve added a Pickleball program.

I asked around about trainers and was pointed to Nikki who would be the best in-house trainer who’d be able to understand what I’ve been going through and get me to where I want to be.

I spoke to Nikki for about an hour at the gym. I showed her my charts, read her my numbers, told her my story… She was empathetic and supportive. I was particularly happy with her, “Trackers are winners” comment, as I’m still obsessed with all my health data. It will be interesting to share this data with someone in a collaborative way to make adjustments to my progress.

The investment in the gym and Nikki will be trés cher. I’ve rationalized the expense by recalling what my South Dakota wellness coach asked me, “What would your life be like if you reached your weight goal?” Again, it hit me like a ton of bricks that EVERYTHING in my life would be better. When someone shows you a crystal ball sneak preview of your potentially amazing life… it’s not something you can ignore or dismiss.

How much would you pay to radically improve your life? I’ll bet the answer is a lot.

I should hear about the new job in the next few weeks. In the meantime, I have made the commitment to go to the gym every week. I will keep you posted, as usual.

Incidentally, I did the math. If I lose 2lbs* a week, I could get to my goal in 7.7 months. That puts me at the end of 2023.

*When I began seriously changing the way I eat, I averaged about 1lb loss a week. But, during that year, I did not have a trainer or a rigorous exercise program. So, this number may be too optimistic, but it can suffice as a goal for now.

The Final Countdown

The perfect opener for this post is this over-the-top video of the song by Swedish band Europe with its big hair, 80s metal vibe.

As you know, I’ve written on this blog about how losing weight has a lot more to do with psychology than biology. I have been writing this blog for almost FIFTEEN years. So, 15 years a slave to obesity.

Obviously, I’ve made more progress than ever in the past few years, and I’m proud of that. But, the truth is, I have a psychological block about reaching that final destination. I’m exploring that out loud here on this page.

Why?

Well, let’s start with today in 2023: I’ve started dating again. I don’t look so terrible that I would be embarrassed to show up on a blind date. (I’m using a dating app, and that’s essentially what they are, blind dates where you have an inkling of who the other person is, but not much more than that.) Yet, I know I’m still too overweight to be attractive to the opposite sex. Or, at least attractive enough to the type of guy my 20-year old self would be attracted to at my age.

It’s complicated. On the one hand, maybe I should lower my standards and embrace where I fit in on the dating totem pole at this stage in my life. But, on the other hand, I could make the commitment, buckle down, and reach my goal weight. Be thin again. Be attractive again (even at this age).

Option number 2 opens up a Pandora’s box. It literally leaves me vulnerable to getting seriously hurt or further damaged. Option number 1 is pretty much unrealistic, as this is not how I’m wired.

So, I’m at an impasse– stuck in a sandtrap in my mind.

If I lean into option #2, I have already done the research on how to do it. The gym that I love, where I was a member before here in Austin, has everything I need to progress toward my goal. I would hire a trainer and launch, “The Final Countdown.” I’d have to get more diligent cutting back on carbs/sugar and reducing my alcohol intake. All of it would be difficult, expensive, and time-consuming. In many ways, it would be like starting from the beginning because this last leg of the journey would be the most demanding.

Am I sufficiently psychologically fit to be physically fit?

That is what I’m asking myself.

WTF is a Style Moodboard? And… HELP!

So, the transition from the technology sector to the entertainment industry was a bit of an adjustment! I relocated to Austin and joined a startup in the TV and film business. One of the alliances I put together was a relationship with the local film society here.

The film society is a non-profit, and the organization was holding its annual fundraiser at Willie Nelson’s Luck ranch. We had four tickets and the chance to hobnob with entertainment elites who would be attending.

When the invitation came through, it mentioned the Dress Code:

Yikes! No one ever sent along a style moodboard to any tech conference I attended. I had that sinking feeling this was going to be a disaster if I showed up underdressed, or worse, like a tech person.

I didn’t know anyone I could ask here about where to go or what to wear, so I moved fast and checked to see if one of the high-end retail stores had a concierge service. Sure enough, Nordstom had a personal shopper service. Whew! I made the decision to select a personal shopper from New Jersey, so I could be completely honest about how freaked out I was. (I’m a Jersey girl, and I knew another Jersey girl would relate!)

I got super lucky with Lois Bursey Schleiffer. Not only did she assure me she could help me; she calmed my nerves and got to work immediately. And I reached out to her on a SUNDAY night. She worked fast and pulled together several dresses and boots options, after I told her my sizes. I also sent her the moodboard to give her context.

I ended up buying all the dresses so I could try them on at my local store. In the end, I selected the one that fit the best. The boots I picked were perfect with this particular dress because they complemented the satin underneath its lacy top.

Remember in the beginning of this blog I had expressed an interest in wearing fashionable clothes again? This night was an incredible opportunity to play dress-up and enjoy myself. I wish I had been able to order a dress in size zero, but knowing I could wear something fashionable that would “belong” with this crowd was a joy.

Lois was super happy too, and she posted about the experience on her Instagram.

Here are a few photos from the event. It was truly magical.

Year in Review: 2022

It’s hard to believe that another year has come and gone, and as I reflect on the past 12 months, I can’t help but feel a bit disappointed with my progress when it comes to weight loss.

Throughout the year, I made a conscious effort to eat healthier and exercise more regularly, and while I did manage to lose a total of 13 lbs, I can’t help but feel like I should have made more progress.

Despite my disappointment, I am determined to continue on my weight loss journey and make even more progress in the coming year. I know that losing weight isn’t always easy, and it requires a lot of hard work and dedication.

I am determined to stay focused and motivated, and I am confident that with continued effort, I will be able to reach my goals and achieve the healthy, fit body that I have always wanted.

So here’s to a new year and a renewed commitment to my weight loss journey. I may not have made as much progress as I had hoped this past year, but I am optimistic about what the future holds and am excited to see what I can accomplish with a little bit of hard work and determination.

Haha. ChatGPT wrote everything above this paragraph from this prompt I gave it: Write a year in review blog post about losing 13 lbs. express dissatisfaction with the progress, but optimism about continuing with weight loss.

In my own words now: I am disappointed that I only lost a total of 13 lbs this year and the AI is correct, I can’t help but feel I should have made more progress.

I took a look at when I started this blog. It was the summer of 2008. So, I’ve been writing here over 14 years! Over that time I’ve lost, gained, lost again, and regained.

The best news about 2022 is I stopped my pattern of regaining the weight I lost. I lost most of my weight last year (2021), but the fact that I stay true to my new way of eating and monitoring my weight loss is progress in itself.

I also achieved my goal to fit into normal clothes in 2022 (at least the top of my pear). And, to be honest, I feel so much better.

In 2023, I will be returning to the city where I began this blog: Austin, TX. My next post will be about intentions for 2023.