I’m making progress on getting to my goal. It’s slow-going now, but I’m not unhappy with my new life as a thinner person. Most of the goals I had for this journey, I have achieved. It’s a great accomplishment.
Here are two selfies (untouched) I took yesterday. Remember the first time I could wear a belt? This belt is from Free People, one of my favorite stores. It’s so satisfying that I can actually shop there now. That dressing room on the right is theirs, btw.
The main issue I have right now is my saggy skin. There are surgeries for this sort of thing, but I’m kind of unwilling to do that. You can see it on my right arm if you zoom in. I still have a lot of fat to lose on my lower abdomen, hips, and legs, but again, it’s not that bad. I’m able to fit in normal-sized clothes now. These are size 14 pants I’m wearing.
I started working out with a trainer again too. It’s resistance training. I’m doing it for mostly health reasons. Trying to rebuild muscle and get stronger.
My newfound music passion has been super rewarding too. I’m getting better at playing guitar and this Friday I will release my third album. It’s definitely my best one yet. I basically write stories from the past and the present, considering I don’t have much of a future to write about, haha.
I do know this: when my wellness coach from South Dakota asked me, “What would your life be like if you reached your goal weight?” My response was, “Everything in my life would be better.” I could see that future possibility.
Decided to keep writing on this blog on the off chance someone stumbles on it, and it can help motivate them. This week I finally reached my 100lb loss goal. I created a promo card and shared it with my friends. The truth of the matter is continuing on a path to lose weight is a lonely journey. At least if you’re doing it yourself and not with a group or partner.
I still have about a long way to go to get to my goal, but this milestone is significant and wanted to celebrate that I’ve reached my interim goal.
I’ve been able to follow through on a number of my intentions. Starting with the ability to get back on a horse! That’s a significant one. A few weeks ago I went on a trail ride. I was super happy about that. I still need to lose about 30lbs before I’ll feel comfortable riding the way I used to, but the fact I was able to easily get on a horse and enjoy a trail ride through the Texas hill country was so satisfying. Hopefully, I’ll keep losing weight over the summer and maybe by late fall when the weather cools off a little, I’m going to look into leasing or buying a horse. At the very least, maybe taking lessons.
One of the best outcomes in the weight loss is the ability to buy clothes in somewhat normal sizes again. In my closet, I now have separate sections by size. I’ve been giving away my largest clothes sizes, planning to never need them again. I’m very close to being able to buy normal size clothes and have gone from a size 28 in pants to a 16. I’m still not thin by any means, but what a difference that makes. I also hired a trainer again. I work out with her every week. I’m feeling stronger and I’m hoping the workouts will deliver a lot of benefits in addition to accelerating the weight loss. At my age, it’s good to build muscle mass and get as fit as possible. It has mental health benefits, as well as physical.
And now that I feel like I can relatively participate in society as a relatively normal-sized person, I’ve taken up new interests. The most fulfilling one is I’ve begun writing songs, as I mentioned a few posts back. The songs help me process a lot of the pain and anguish that has surfaced on this blog over the years. One of my favorite new songs (a Country music song) is a song I wrote to myself. It’s called, “Hello You.” It’s a song that was derived from the sentiment in this post, “Thin is a Feminist Issue.” I wrote then how much I wanted my life back. Today, I’m pretty close to achieving that dream and this song captures that vibe. Below is the Spotify link, but you can hear it on your preferred streaming platform. (Just search this song and my name). I think this is the first time I’ve actually mentioned my real name on this blog, too.
I asked Dall-e to create an image of a frustrated, older woman. My goal is to express the frustration of a lot of women who have traveled this same path I have. Other than her thinness, that Dall-e was unable to fix, I think the AI tool nailed her demeanor.
So, I was wrong. As soon as I stopped the Semaglutide, I started to gain weight– and fast. I gained 7lbs in the first 5 weeks. It was really crazy. I didn’t turn to junk food and high carb choices at all. I just resumed my regular food consumption which is primarily still very low carb and no sugars. There must be something in the internal mechanics of that drug that slows down turning food into fat. It’s not just the appetite suppression, in other words.
I haven’t weighed myself in the past few days, but I know I’m probably at least 10 lbs up. I can feel the thickening in my abdomen area, and my pants are tighter than usual.
I’ve come to the conclusion that my body just wants to be fat. I’m not sure where to go with this. I’m wondering if it is rooted in a lot of the deeply psychological issues that I’ve discussed on this blog before (trauma-response, protection, etc.). There’s a growing trend in therapy/counseling circles that focus on the mind/body connection. My daughter is a therapist in this area, so I’m somewhat familiar with it. I’m going to explore this and see if I can remove some of these blocks (in the hopes that my body will be a partner in that process).
In the meantime, I’m staying true to the ways I changed my food intake from the beginning of this leg of my journey (April 2021). I’m probably going to stop writing for a while and will check in sometime in the summer to report on how it’s going.
One more thing, I listened to Jillian Michaels on Bill Maher’s Real Time this week. Ordinarily I would not tune into anything she says as a result of her awful, fat-shaming “Biggest Loser” series. But she made a few observations that I realized for myself are true. In essence, she said if you’re on these GLP-1 and other drugs, eventually you will plateau. And after the plateau, you’ll regain the weight. So, you may as well learn how to manage obesity organically. She advised investing the money you’re spending on the drugs on a good therapist instead to understand what is holding you back.
I got serious about not wanted to live my life as a morbidly obese person in the summer of 2017. That’s nearly 7 years ago. So, my trek to lose my excess weight has been ongoing for nearly a decade.
This blog has captured my journey– all of it. The physical milestones, the successes and failures, but most importantly, the psychological introspection that has been key to understanding my own relationship with my body and my self-image. More than the weight loss itself, I’m really pleased I’ve kept up documenting every step along this long path.
Where am I in this moment?
I’m about two-thirds of the way to where I want to be. Most of the weight loss I did organically by changing how and what I eat and how I live my life. When the GLP-1 drugs emerged on the market, and I had hit a plateau on what I was able to do on my own, I made the decision to get an assist in order to get to the finish line.
The drug is definitely working, but not as rapidly as it works for some. I only lose a few ounces a week, and if I eat “normally” (which means carbs/sugar), I will quickly gain a few pounds. That’s alarming, as I realize once I stop the drug, it’s going to be really difficult to not regain any weight.
I’m currently at the lowest weight I’ve been in 30 years. But, as you can see, I still have a long way to go. That red slice represents 50 lbs. I’m hopeful insurance companies and Medicare will begin to cover the GLP-1 (and newer variations) drugs. It’s obvious there are preventative health benefits. I know I feel healthier than I have since I was in my 20s and 30s. And, frankly, I look so much better.
The looking better thing is controversial, I know. What I have to say about this is: it’s an individual choice. Part of my goal with the wholesale radical transformation I’ve been going through the past few years is reclaiming my identity. I self-identify as a confident, self-satisfied woman. There’s no shame in that. I feel if more women would look inwardly to explore who they truly believe they are, and then put the work in to realize that vision, there would be a lot more secure, strong women in the world. And, hell, we need that in many ways.
In other words, I only answer to myself. I am accountable to me. I am working to satisfy my own standards.
I’ll wrap this up with this. I have become a major fan of a young Country singer, Megan Moroney. She’s got the right attitude and expresses how I feel in this song:
So, summer is over in Central Texas. We’re heading into the rainy season.
I wanted to check-in and report how it’s going with the Semaglutide. I started injecting myself this week with the higher dosage: 1.0mg. It was surprisingly easy, and not scary at all.
The weight loss has been slow-going, but since I started in June, I think I’ve lost about 20lbs. So, that’s not terrible. Of course, remember, I had gained weight when I moved here. But, I pushed past that weight gain and am now back on track to continue losing.
You can see on the chart a slight tick up, and then the sharp decline. That’s about when I started the Ozempic.
I did the math and discovered I still need to lose 60lbs to get to my desired goal weight. So, it feels like I will be on this drug for a very long time. Maybe a year.
After working so hard for so long to lose this weight, I at least want to arrive at my goal. Once there, I’m not sure what will happen. Predictably, I will probably start gaining again once I’m off the medicine.
My theory on this is that at that lower weight, I will not mind exercising. I might even start jogging again like I used to when I was younger. I will definitely go back to the gym. It will be more comfortable in a thinner size.
I will definitely pursue the horseback-riding goal too. Maybe by this time next year, I can finally deliver on my original goal to ride horses again.
But, to be honest, I’m not unhappy with my progress. There have been some great small victories as I’m a “smaller” person now. For instance, when I was severely obese, I wasn’t able to take a bath. I didn’t have the agility to get out of the tub. That seems really awful, but it’s true. Now I take baths all the time. It’s a great way to relax after a long day.
Also, when I go to the department store, I skip the Plus section. I go directly to the “better sportswear” section. I can definitely fit in L and XL tops now, so I’ve been enjoying browsing the new fall fashions. I even bought a dress recently I’m looking forward to wearing. I particularly like this fashion brand, Bryn Walker. I’m very much looking forward to being thin so these clothes fit me well. Of course, I will never be a 0 or supermodel thin, but the opportunity to wear good quality, fashionable designer clothes is within reach.
I’m planning on continuing on this path. I will keep you updated. In the meantime, happy fall. There’s not much of a fall in Central Texas, but I sure am glad those 100+ degree days are coming to an end.
It’s been about two months since I last wrote. I am not thrilled to report that I have not made much progress. I definitely lost that miserable 15lbs I gained when I moved to Texas, but it’s been slow-going since then on the Semaglutide. I started on Ozempic and am still on it for a few more weeks. I’m only at the .5 dosage, so still just making a dent in the progress and maybe the potential.
The clinic is moving me up to 1.0 in a few weeks. We already ordered it, so should be here in 3 weeks or so. I’ve read that at the higher dosage, it really kicks in. I’m willing to make the investment to try it. So far, it hasn’t been crazy expensive. The clinic has been working with me, as I’m paying out of pocket. I’m willing to keep going to see if things start accelerating at the higher dosage.
Nonetheless, since I started June 12, I’ve only lost 7.7lbs. That’s about three-quarters of a lb per week. C’est la guerre.
OF COURSE, I am not exercising. So there’s that. But, what I’ve realized is I’ve so dramatically changed the way I eat* as a result of what I’ve been doing for the past few years, I can’t expect to have the same dramatic results other people do.
The shot absolutely descreases your appetite. I honestly can’t remember being hungry all summer. I could probably abuse the Semaglutide and eat very little, but that would not be sustainable over time. I am concerned about going off it too. I don’t have severe side effects (yet, anyway). I’m a little nauseous sometimes, but nothing serious. Constipation is one annoying side effect, but that doesn’t happen often. So far, so good in other words.
So, this is just a check-in post to let you know how it’s going. I’ll report in again when I have something else to say. 🙂
On the choice of photo, I’ve been wondering about the French lately. Why are they so thin? They eat bread, pastries, cheese, drink wine… They take long lunches. I remember a book, “French Women Don’t Get Fat” that came out in 2007. I think I’m going to pick it up from the library.
Onwards.
*I still severely limit my carbs and have effectively eliminated refined sugar from my life.
This is a photo of my father and his mother, my grandmother. I’m guessing my father was in his 20s in this photo, so that would date this photo sometime around 1938 or so.
My grandmother was a brilliant woman. She spoke seven languages. I’m posting this photo of her to bring attention to her shape.
In the 30s in America, there were no processed foods. No junk foods, no fast-food…
Let’s let AI tell us:
The 1930s were a very different time in terms of food and diet. There were no McDonald’s or other fast-food chains, and the concept of “junk food” didn’t really exist yet. Most people were eating traditional, home-cooked meals with whole, unprocessed ingredients.
In the 1930s, most families didn’t have access to refrigerators, so they relied on fresh, seasonal ingredients. Fast food restaurants didn’t exist, and there were very few processed foods available. The average American diet was much healthier in the 1930s than it is today. In fact, rates of obesity were much lower, and people had a much lower intake of sugar, sodium, and saturated fats.
My point here is I believe my body simply wants to be fat. It’s in my genes. I have similar photos of my mother who was obese the entire time I knew her on earth.
So, my body wants to be fat…
And my mind wants to be thin.
For this reason, I feel my journey is particularly difficult. I’m literally fighting with my DNA– the foundation of all living organisms on the planet.
Nonethless, I did go to the weight loss doctor. They started me on Ozempic which led to a bit of backlash when I announced it on my Facebook page. Not because my friends don’t want me to lose weight. Because there’s apparently a shortage of the drug that is life-saving for diabetics. The doctor told me they would be switching me to Wegovy when I return next month.
In short, I feel like I need science in this battle. I’m also doubling down and trying intermittent fasting.
So, I’ve gone from bad to worse. This morning, I finally decided I had to weigh myself. Yep, not only did I gain weight AGAIN; it occurred to me that I gained as much in TWO months that took me an entire YEAR to lose. (13lbs– that’s a dress size.)
When I moved back to Texas, I fell into temptation. Queso is probably my favorite comfort food in the whole world. Same with most Mexican food. So, for the past few months, I’ve been eating tortillas and chips, ON OCCASION, hoping that I could somehow absorb these carbs with no ramifications.
That was an illusion. Sure enough, those fat cells laying quietly shrunken in waiting, were thrilled to puff back up to reclaim their rightful position on my body.
I had a conversation with my oldest daughter this morning where I shared my frustration about how I am coming to understand I will NEVER be able to eat “normally” again. From this day forward, if I want to get thin and stay thin, I will have to give up eating food that I love. Like, for the rest of my life.
For that reason, I made the decision to start a physician-assisted Wegovy program. I’m starting Monday. As you know, I wanted to lose my weight without sacrificing too much and without spending money. But, at this sad juncture in my progress, I realize that is unrealistic. I need something drastic.
I’ve been hitting a series of setbacks the past few weeks. First of all, for the very first time since I got serious about losing my weight, I gained. I’ve been on a slow, but steady progressive down slope for, literally, years. I started Feb. 13, 2021 and lost weight every week for nearly two and a half years.
When I decided to double down and join a gym to accelerate my weight loss… I GAINED WEIGHT.
WTAF?
I really didn’t change how I eat (that’s not entirely true); and my trainer at the gym said it’s because I’m building muscle. But, seriously? Do you know how bad that makes me feel?
It was a horror. I don’t care about building muscle. I want to lose the extra pounds.
Something was just not right.
I decided to quit the gym for now. This wasn’t the only reason. The other reason is this gym is really not for obese people trying to lose weight. It’s for super fit people working at maintaining their super fitness.
I started evaluating my options. I even looked into Wegovy at a local clinic that has an obesity program. I’m still considering that, but I still want to see if there is a way I can do this naturally.
So, it sticks.
You understand, yes?
I also have been mindful of the intention I set for the beginning of 2023 to get back on a horse.
I found a local stable that has lessons. Here’s what I found on the stable’s website:
That weight– 150lbs– is not even my goal weight (It’s 177). I will never be 150 again in my life. What a disappointment! I remember doing the math on how much I would have to lose to safely get on a horse. I computed 240, not 150. So, another major setback. Or course, I could buy a horse, but I don’t want to do that. I may be able to find another stable with less restrictive rules, or bigger horses. I’d be lying, however, if I did not admit this has been a downer.
The last disappointment has been the dating scene. I’m not getting anywhere. I must still be unf..kable. I started thinking of a poem to address that sad fact. If I get around to writing it, I will post it here.
I will close this depressing post on a positive note. I found the shirt I wore in the photo where I was at my heaviest. It’s actually a cute shirt, and looks good now.
This is going to be an uncomfortable and difficult post. I’m not really sure how many people read this blog, but I felt I needed to write this post regardless of the pushback I may get. And may deserve.
It’s been a few years since I’ve been on my losing weight trek. I had no idea if I’d make the kind of progress I have in this last iteration. Over the years I’ve quit and fallen in with the fat positive movement. But that never satisfied me. I always rebooted my weight loss goals. It unnerves me when anyone fat shames, including me, but accepting myself in an obese size has never felt right.
This post is for women who were once thin– women who were once athletic, attractive, and whose body would be considered by most in society… sexy. So many of the stories I’ve read about women who’ve lost a lot of weight start out this way, “I was always overweight. As a child, I was bullied… etc.” This is not me and not the story for a lot of women who find themselves (somewhat hopelessly) overweight in middle age. Social media has only exacerbated the pressure to look our best.
I’ve spent a lot of time wading through the complex psychology that led me to gain (and retain) so much weight. But always, always, in the back of my mind was my memory of the me that used to be. I’ve wanted to reclaim my identity for as long as I can remember. Well, specifically, since about 1992 when I was last a size 10 and had great sex with an a former colleague in England.
Let’s talk candidly about beauty. The truth of the matter is: beauty is empowering. Beauty and sex appeal is a cudgel. It’s a tool women can leverage effortlessly, while pretending they’re not. Women long for equality and agency, but they are stack-ranked against the ideals society places on them. This stack-ranking includes how attractive, or at the very least, how thin they are. It’s just a fact.
I encourage you to read this piece by Susi Orbach who wrote the original, “Fat is a Feminist Issue.” She outlines all the hazards of this obsession with female perfect body types, but it falls short in acknowledging the freedom and power thinness delivers to the western woman.
The physical transformation I am going through is significant. In short, I want my life back. I crave that agency I once owned. A great example for me is the superstar vocalist, Adele. Take a look at her before and after. Now, of course, Adele is a performer in the entertainment industry who lives in the spotlight. But the effects of this reinvention is available to all of us. Granted, Adele can afford to spend a lot more on trainers, perfect food choices, and therapy, but the same before and after results are within reach to the average person, if you focus on the outcome.
Adele lost over 100lbs. She’s talked candidly about how it’s made a difference in not only her physical health, but her mental health.
I’m a grandmother. I have a grandson in an MBA program. But, it’s not too late for me. I realized my shadow self (just like Generative AI!) wants to get out. I want to be the woman I was before I became so damaged that I felt I need to wear a fat suit of armor.
I’m getting there.
Thanks for reading, and I sincerely hope I have not offended anyone. This blog is about my personal experience, and I bear no judgment on anyone’s personal choices about how they wish to live their life.
The Fatcinating Blog 