Category: Introspection

Human Reinvention

So, I have a new hobby and a new job. I’m going to tell you about both and how it applies to my weight loss journey. Where we left off, some six months ago, I was frustrated that I was gaining weight because I stopped the Semaglutide.

That frustration was justified. I (re)gained 29lbs in roughly 6 months (from Feb. 27 to Aug. 10). As I stated in my last post, I wasn’t binging or eating “bad” food. I was just eating like a normal person without weight issues. Again, I will make the claim that my fat cells are a product of my trauma. Almost like a camel, my body wants to store fat around my bones and my organs to protect me. It’s kind of its job. I respect that.

So my brain and my body are in constant battle for control. For my part, I am working towards a a two-state solution.

In August, I started the Terzepatide compound. So, far I haven’t had any real side effects. It’s working. I’ve lost 15lbs and I’m not hungry. I don’t have that food compulsion instinct. I’ve made the commitment to stay on it. If I have to, forever. I feel good again. I can fit into my smaller sized clothes, and I don’t hate how I look in the reflection of a store window when I walk by. I know I have a long way to go. But, I’ve realized the key to this trek is PATIENCE. Or, maybe the countervailing strategy is not succombing to impatience.

This is where the Impatiens flowers come in. (Stay with me).

My sweet neighbor, Victor, takes care of me and my cat, Zeke. He has a key to my apartment and he lets Zeke in late at night when Zeke is done wandering our apartment complex and is ready to settle down in his comfy cat bed. For my birthday, Victor bought me a small plant for my patio. It was an Impatiens plant. Over the summer, that plant was losing its will to live. But, I kept watering it.

Which brings me to my new hobby. I’ve taken up songwriting as a hobby. Via the extraordinary capabilities of brilliant professionals in my field, I am now able to “generate” songs from the lyrics I write. This new creative outlet has enabled me to excavate the skeletal remains of deep-seeded trauma that’s been stowed away in many closets of my past. I can create songs without knowing how to play an instrument or sing a song. It’s pretty (fucking) amazing.

One of the songs I thought about writing was focused on how my nature is inclined to water dead plants. Because, someone who’s been through the trauma I’ve been through, cannot afford to give up hope.

Sure enough, my hope imperative delivered results. Sometime this month (mid-October), this plant I wrote off for dead, blossomed a single flower. I was over the moon. I sent it to Victor, and his sister, my good friend, Stephanie. We all agreed I should write a “comeback” song. I will, for sure, in time.

Which brings me to my current employment situationship. I’m a contractor for a large Big 4 professional services firm. One of the key tenets in the consulting world is predicated on looking to Business Model Reinvention to survive. The (correct) thinking about this is that if large organizations don’t put the time into understanding how technology will impact their current business models, they may not make it. So many examples come to mind that validate this claim. When’s the last time you took your family to Blockbuster, for example?

Net, net– as businesses need to reinvent themselves, so do humans. I’ve absolutely done this. My weight loss journey is a part of my own human reinvention. In many ways, I burned myself to the ground, and rebuilt myself from the ground up. I created a better, more resilient model of myself to face the future, and hopefully, be an asset to my grandchildren.

The lesson learned so far, is this is not a sprint. You cannot rush reinvention. It starts as incremental continuous improvement, morphs into transmogrification, which is sometimes painful for humans. Yet, as the young’uns say: Keep Going.

Eventually, you will see the fruits of your labor and the blossoms will bloom on the plant you wouldn’t give up on.

#Onwards

Yeesh

I asked Dall-e to create an image of a frustrated, older woman. My goal is to express the frustration of a lot of women who have traveled this same path I have. Other than her thinness, that Dall-e was unable to fix, I think the AI tool nailed her demeanor.

So, I was wrong. As soon as I stopped the Semaglutide, I started to gain weight– and fast. I gained 7lbs in the first 5 weeks. It was really crazy. I didn’t turn to junk food and high carb choices at all. I just resumed my regular food consumption which is primarily still very low carb and no sugars. There must be something in the internal mechanics of that drug that slows down turning food into fat. It’s not just the appetite suppression, in other words.

I haven’t weighed myself in the past few days, but I know I’m probably at least 10 lbs up. I can feel the thickening in my abdomen area, and my pants are tighter than usual.

I’ve come to the conclusion that my body just wants to be fat. I’m not sure where to go with this. I’m wondering if it is rooted in a lot of the deeply psychological issues that I’ve discussed on this blog before (trauma-response, protection, etc.). There’s a growing trend in therapy/counseling circles that focus on the mind/body connection. My daughter is a therapist in this area, so I’m somewhat familiar with it. I’m going to explore this and see if I can remove some of these blocks (in the hopes that my body will be a partner in that process).

In the meantime, I’m staying true to the ways I changed my food intake from the beginning of this leg of my journey (April 2021). I’m probably going to stop writing for a while and will check in sometime in the summer to report on how it’s going.

One more thing, I listened to Jillian Michaels on Bill Maher’s Real Time this week. Ordinarily I would not tune into anything she says as a result of her awful, fat-shaming “Biggest Loser” series. But she made a few observations that I realized for myself are true. In essence, she said if you’re on these GLP-1 and other drugs, eventually you will plateau. And after the plateau, you’ll regain the weight. So, you may as well learn how to manage obesity organically. She advised investing the money you’re spending on the drugs on a good therapist instead to understand what is holding you back.

I hear ya, sister.

How it started. How it’s going.

I got serious about not wanted to live my life as a morbidly obese person in the summer of 2017. That’s nearly 7 years ago. So, my trek to lose my excess weight has been ongoing for nearly a decade.

This blog has captured my journey– all of it. The physical milestones, the successes and failures, but most importantly, the psychological introspection that has been key to understanding my own relationship with my body and my self-image. More than the weight loss itself, I’m really pleased I’ve kept up documenting every step along this long path.

Where am I in this moment?

I’m about two-thirds of the way to where I want to be. Most of the weight loss I did organically by changing how and what I eat and how I live my life. When the GLP-1 drugs emerged on the market, and I had hit a plateau on what I was able to do on my own, I made the decision to get an assist in order to get to the finish line.

The drug is definitely working, but not as rapidly as it works for some. I only lose a few ounces a week, and if I eat “normally” (which means carbs/sugar), I will quickly gain a few pounds. That’s alarming, as I realize once I stop the drug, it’s going to be really difficult to not regain any weight.

I’m currently at the lowest weight I’ve been in 30 years. But, as you can see, I still have a long way to go. That red slice represents 50 lbs. I’m hopeful insurance companies and Medicare will begin to cover the GLP-1 (and newer variations) drugs. It’s obvious there are preventative health benefits. I know I feel healthier than I have since I was in my 20s and 30s. And, frankly, I look so much better.

The looking better thing is controversial, I know. What I have to say about this is: it’s an individual choice. Part of my goal with the wholesale radical transformation I’ve been going through the past few years is reclaiming my identity. I self-identify as a confident, self-satisfied woman. There’s no shame in that. I feel if more women would look inwardly to explore who they truly believe they are, and then put the work in to realize that vision, there would be a lot more secure, strong women in the world. And, hell, we need that in many ways.

In other words, I only answer to myself. I am accountable to me. I am working to satisfy my own standards.

I’ll wrap this up with this. I have become a major fan of a young Country singer, Megan Moroney. She’s got the right attitude and expresses how I feel in this song:

Thin is a Feminist Issue

This is going to be an uncomfortable and difficult post. I’m not really sure how many people read this blog, but I felt I needed to write this post regardless of the pushback I may get. And may deserve.

It’s been a few years since I’ve been on my losing weight trek. I had no idea if I’d make the kind of progress I have in this last iteration. Over the years I’ve quit and fallen in with the fat positive movement. But that never satisfied me. I always rebooted my weight loss goals. It unnerves me when anyone fat shames, including me, but accepting myself in an obese size has never felt right.

This post is for women who were once thin– women who were once athletic, attractive, and whose body would be considered by most in society… sexy. So many of the stories I’ve read about women who’ve lost a lot of weight start out this way, “I was always overweight. As a child, I was bullied… etc.” This is not me and not the story for a lot of women who find themselves (somewhat hopelessly) overweight in middle age. Social media has only exacerbated the pressure to look our best.

I’ve spent a lot of time wading through the complex psychology that led me to gain (and retain) so much weight. But always, always, in the back of my mind was my memory of the me that used to be. I’ve wanted to reclaim my identity for as long as I can remember. Well, specifically, since about 1992 when I was last a size 10 and had great sex with an a former colleague in England.

Let’s talk candidly about beauty. The truth of the matter is: beauty is empowering. Beauty and sex appeal is a cudgel. It’s a tool women can leverage effortlessly, while pretending they’re not. Women long for equality and agency, but they are stack-ranked against the ideals society places on them. This stack-ranking includes how attractive, or at the very least, how thin they are. It’s just a fact.

I encourage you to read this piece by Susi Orbach who wrote the original, “Fat is a Feminist Issue.” She outlines all the hazards of this obsession with female perfect body types, but it falls short in acknowledging the freedom and power thinness delivers to the western woman.

The physical transformation I am going through is significant. In short, I want my life back. I crave that agency I once owned. A great example for me is the superstar vocalist, Adele. Take a look at her before and after. Now, of course, Adele is a performer in the entertainment industry who lives in the spotlight. But the effects of this reinvention is available to all of us. Granted, Adele can afford to spend a lot more on trainers, perfect food choices, and therapy, but the same before and after results are within reach to the average person, if you focus on the outcome.

Adele lost over 100lbs. She’s talked candidly about how it’s made a difference in not only her physical health, but her mental health.

I’m a grandmother. I have a grandson in an MBA program. But, it’s not too late for me. I realized my shadow self (just like Generative AI!) wants to get out. I want to be the woman I was before I became so damaged that I felt I need to wear a fat suit of armor.

I’m getting there.

Thanks for reading, and I sincerely hope I have not offended anyone. This blog is about my personal experience, and I bear no judgment on anyone’s personal choices about how they wish to live their life.

The Final Countdown

The perfect opener for this post is this over-the-top video of the song by Swedish band Europe with its big hair, 80s metal vibe.

As you know, I’ve written on this blog about how losing weight has a lot more to do with psychology than biology. I have been writing this blog for almost FIFTEEN years. So, 15 years a slave to obesity.

Obviously, I’ve made more progress than ever in the past few years, and I’m proud of that. But, the truth is, I have a psychological block about reaching that final destination. I’m exploring that out loud here on this page.

Why?

Well, let’s start with today in 2023: I’ve started dating again. I don’t look so terrible that I would be embarrassed to show up on a blind date. (I’m using a dating app, and that’s essentially what they are, blind dates where you have an inkling of who the other person is, but not much more than that.) Yet, I know I’m still too overweight to be attractive to the opposite sex. Or, at least attractive enough to the type of guy my 20-year old self would be attracted to at my age.

It’s complicated. On the one hand, maybe I should lower my standards and embrace where I fit in on the dating totem pole at this stage in my life. But, on the other hand, I could make the commitment, buckle down, and reach my goal weight. Be thin again. Be attractive again (even at this age).

Option number 2 opens up a Pandora’s box. It literally leaves me vulnerable to getting seriously hurt or further damaged. Option number 1 is pretty much unrealistic, as this is not how I’m wired.

So, I’m at an impasse– stuck in a sandtrap in my mind.

If I lean into option #2, I have already done the research on how to do it. The gym that I love, where I was a member before here in Austin, has everything I need to progress toward my goal. I would hire a trainer and launch, “The Final Countdown.” I’d have to get more diligent cutting back on carbs/sugar and reducing my alcohol intake. All of it would be difficult, expensive, and time-consuming. In many ways, it would be like starting from the beginning because this last leg of the journey would be the most demanding.

Am I sufficiently psychologically fit to be physically fit?

That is what I’m asking myself.

Year in Review: 2022

It’s hard to believe that another year has come and gone, and as I reflect on the past 12 months, I can’t help but feel a bit disappointed with my progress when it comes to weight loss.

Throughout the year, I made a conscious effort to eat healthier and exercise more regularly, and while I did manage to lose a total of 13 lbs, I can’t help but feel like I should have made more progress.

Despite my disappointment, I am determined to continue on my weight loss journey and make even more progress in the coming year. I know that losing weight isn’t always easy, and it requires a lot of hard work and dedication.

I am determined to stay focused and motivated, and I am confident that with continued effort, I will be able to reach my goals and achieve the healthy, fit body that I have always wanted.

So here’s to a new year and a renewed commitment to my weight loss journey. I may not have made as much progress as I had hoped this past year, but I am optimistic about what the future holds and am excited to see what I can accomplish with a little bit of hard work and determination.

Haha. ChatGPT wrote everything above this paragraph from this prompt I gave it: Write a year in review blog post about losing 13 lbs. express dissatisfaction with the progress, but optimism about continuing with weight loss.

In my own words now: I am disappointed that I only lost a total of 13 lbs this year and the AI is correct, I can’t help but feel I should have made more progress.

I took a look at when I started this blog. It was the summer of 2008. So, I’ve been writing here over 14 years! Over that time I’ve lost, gained, lost again, and regained.

The best news about 2022 is I stopped my pattern of regaining the weight I lost. I lost most of my weight last year (2021), but the fact that I stay true to my new way of eating and monitoring my weight loss is progress in itself.

I also achieved my goal to fit into normal clothes in 2022 (at least the top of my pear). And, to be honest, I feel so much better.

In 2023, I will be returning to the city where I began this blog: Austin, TX. My next post will be about intentions for 2023.

The Lovin’ Spoonful

I used to say that losing weight when you’re “morbidly obese” is like trying to empty a swimming pool with a teaspoon. It takes enduring patience and a lot of time. Most everyone eventually gives up somewhere along the way. It’s tedious and frustrating at the same time.

I’ve been thinking about that analogy lately, as I’m still emptying that pool– one teaspoon at a time.

This morning I weighed myself and I am at my lowest weight in nearly three decades of struggling with weight loss. Yet, according to my doctor and my BMI, I am still morbidly obese. According to my own progress chart, I’ve lost about half the weight (55lbs)* I wanted to lose since I began this new effort in April 2021. Yet, I still have 67lbs to go to get to where I want to be.

With this knowledge, I decided this morning to reframe that “spoonful” to associate with a great song that came out in 1965 when I was a child: Do You Believe in Magic? by The Lovin’ Spoonful.

One of the most popular TV sitcoms in that era was Bewitched, another one of my favorites from my childhood. If I were Samantha (the SAHW), I could have twitched my nose and lost all my weight in an instant.

But, that’s not how it works in the real world.

In the real world, it’s a slog.

That said: it is a labor of love. It’s an extreme expression of self-love and self-care. To keep going, you need to encourage yourself, tell yourself you’re worth it, tell yourself you deserve to be the very best version of yourself you can be. Perhaps it’s a form of healthy narcissism.

I believe in the magic of my young girl’s heart. Hence, I continue slowly, but surely.

I see the “reinvented” me in the distance, a little hazy on the horizon. But my eyes are locked on her like a heat-seeking missile.

Onwards, with love.

*to be fair to myself, I’ve lost 70.3lbs from my highest weight in the summer of 2017.

Me 1.0

This journey that I’ve been on is a journey of self-preservation.

It’s more than just an interest in losing weight. It’s about reclaiming my identity.

I’m not looking for a mate; I’m postmenopausal.

I’m looking for myself. I’m looking to become, again, the person that I was before life’s tragedies interfered with my body type.

So it’s bigger.

It’s a bigger, bigger challenge and a more interesting path that I’m on.

Losing the weight I’ve carried all these years is a monumental step toward the healing I’ve been working on the past few years.

It’s a way, metaphorically, to erase– to disappear– all the layered anguish and self-protection.

To allow myself to be myself free from fear.

Addendum: I’m currently at the lowest weight since I began this blog in 2008. I’ve also finally broke through into the 30s in BMI. So, it’s working. Slowly, but surely.

Lumpty Dumpty

I was at the gym today doing my free weight reps looking in the mirror. My body is a big pear shape, like the biggest pear that ever was.

I found this photo yesterday of my lithe, 19-year old body. I still have the same frame, and those bones still weigh about 6lbs.

But my 60-ish-year-old body looks nothing like this. It’s as if someone filled my skin with gallons of lumpy mashed potatoes. Especially hanging off my arms and around my hips. Yuk.

Looking in the gym mirror, I appreciate the fact that I have lost weight, but am simultaneously horrified by my new saggy skin suit. I know I have to keep working at it, but the realization that I will never look like this again is de-motivating to say the least.

I told you last post that I was going to go to the gym every day last week. I made it a few days, but couldn’t go every day for various reasons that were valid reasons.

I was disappointed, however, that when I weighed myself… NADA. Nothing actually changed again. I’m starting to wonder if my scale is not working. That must be it!

Oh well. Just wanted to share some of my progress.

I’m still moving forward.
Namaste.

Oh Bloody Hell!

Past three months: ~FLATLINE!

I know I’ve said in the past that this is a long trek. BUT, I’ve been frustrated lately that I’m really not making the progress I want to make. I have so long to go… like 73lbs… before I get to where I want to be.

I feel like I’ve just stalled. I’m plateauing and stagnating.

I have not been “cheating” a.k.a. eating things I shouldn’t. But, I’m realizing something has to kick in to put me on a better trajectory. I’m thinking it is exercise. There’s only one problem with that: I HATE EXERCISE. There I said it. I’m basically lazy. I don’t want to work out like a maniac at the gym. I want the weight to magically come off without a lot of effort.

It does not appear that my plan is working. (Being lazy and not exercising.)

I’m not sure what to do to.

Dear readers, if you have some good advice, I could use it.

xoxo