Category: Uncategorized

Honeymoon phase begins…

I’m writing this while watching, “The Biggest Loser.”  I’ve been tempted to turn it off at least five times.  Can’t be sure if it’s some of the contrived enthusiasm or the thundering bass drum on the soundtrack, but I’m concluding (about 10 minutes in) that this show is not for people like me.  This show is for everyone else to feel superior to people like me.  But, alas.  Like a lot of things I don’t want to do, I’ll watch the damn show because there should be something useful that I can pick up as I begin my own journey.

Clara has been reliably punctual and attentive.  She’s been teaching me about portion sizes, frequency of meals, combinations of foods, etc.  It all makes sense, and so far I’m highly motivated.  I’m using my electronic tools and that is proving to be fun– almost like a sport or performance analytics or something.  Today Clara taught me about HIIT training.  I”ll try it on my own tomorrow.  One thing I guess I didn’t account for was the focus you need to put into this effort.  It’s like having a part-time job.  Kind of hard on top of a full-and-a-half-time job I already have trying to launch my business.

I realize I’m still in the honeymoon phase of getting this done, however.  Highly committed and engaged.  Clara has said a few things that have resonated with me.  One of which was, “Gaining weight happens by accident; losing weight happens on purpose.” Tru dat.  She discourages me from weighing myself, but I have lost 3 pounds, so I’m on my way.  The inner tube tire that was circling my ribs seems to have been deflated too.  That’s great.  I’d really like to come down at least 25 pounds by the beginning of November.

Soldiering on.

Tricks of the Trade

So, we’re starting out slow.  Clara has asked me to buy a pedometer, a new cookbook, and she has placed one of my (smaller size) jackets on my bureau so I can be reminded of it every day.  I also downloaded an iPhone app that will track what I eat and how I exercise every day.  We started the workout routine this week, and I couldn’t believe that such a small effort could render me so sore.  Yikes.

Here’s the beginner toolkit:

Qlip Pedometer
Qlip Pedometer
Lose it! iPhone app
Lose it! iPhone app

Weight Watchers New Complete

The New (Old) Normal

Picture 1

Not exactly sure what the motivation was that struck me to finally reach out for help. I posted an ad on Craigslist with a headline that said, “Fitness/Life Coach: Can you Normal Size Me?” I filed it under the fitness category but explained clearly in the ad that I need much more than a personal trainer. I need someone who can keep me motivated, on track, someone who has more than muscle, but a real heart who can sympathize with the hard work that needs to get done to lose such a massive tonnage of weight.

I received over a dozen responses the first two days. I eventually had to take down the ad. All of the candidates said they could Normal Size me and explained their particular expertise and qualifications for doing so.  But one respondent, only had one word in the first paragraph of her reply. That word was “No.”

She brilliantly crafted an intelligent response to my ad that stated I am the only one who can Normal Size me. Here is the beginning of her reply:

No.

Any individual replying to you saying they can is wrong. There’s not a trainer on the planet who can normal size you. That power is yours and yours alone. You are the one in ultimate control of that end result. You have to have the drive and determination to hang in there on nights where the food is talking to you and you just want to dive in. You have to have the drive to get up and do that workout when everything in you screams to go back to bed. That’s going to come from you. You alone. That’s what’s going to get the weight off AND KEEP IT OFF.

What can a trainer/coach do for you? Give you the tools and support to regain control of your life. You’ve demonstrated that you’re ready by putting up that ad. That’s a huge first step. Most people with a lot of weight to lose never make it that far. So no matter what, congratulations! That is a huge, huge step. Believe it or not, one of the hardest parts is over. Making the decision to make a change is more then half the battle.

Well, she had me at “No.”

I’ve hired Clara to begin a marathon, long-term slow weight loss that will hopefully get me back to my normal self. This normal self, unfortunately, has never left my brain. I’ve been walking around for decades in a state of confusion because my self-image and my RL image are not in sync. As you can see on the pages of this blog, I seem to be unable to take on this Herculean task alone, so the addition of Clara to my life should make the difference.

Clara is not only an intelligent, sensitive, yet tough trainer, she’s a fantastic writer. It’s one of the reasons I hired her. I look forward to chronicling my personal transformation on the pages of this blog, as well as keeping up with how Clara is helping her other clients push toward their goals. You can catch Clara blogging at “The Power to Change,” as well as on the Houston Examiner.

I implore anyone reading this blog to please lend your support in the comments. It’s going to take a village to move this mountain. (It was worth the mixed metaphor.)

“You don’t have enough self-loathing to lose your weight.”

iStock_000008971177XSmallMy daughter said this to me recently. I thought about that for some time. On the one hand, she’s correct. For an eyesore of a female, I have far too much self-confidence, self-love that deflates the prevailing belief that women’s identities are inextricably linked to their appearance, at least more so than men.

But in the end, I think she’s wrong. Hating, absolutely hating, what I look like has no bearing on what I think of myself as an individual. Somewhere along the way, I stopped caring about what I looked like because it was a battle waged against me by some unknown force. It was probably weight-gaining pharma drugs, genetics, dumb food choices, lack of exercise, but I like to think it’s a wicked curse some former girlfriend or wife levied against me when they found out I was dating their lover. I picture some woman secretly having a voodoo doll in her closet that rather than sticking pins into, she wraps it with layers and layers of material– more and more every year. I hate that woman. If I had only known, I would have dated her Dad too. 🙂

I guess being fat is no joke, but it is comical to me in so many ways. In my young adult life, my looks and sexuality were a powerful combination. I recall very specifically the “heads turn” moments when I walked into a room. Beautiful women know what I’m talking about. It’s like living with celebrity all the time. It’s somewhat addicting. Now, I didn’t have a killer body, but I was pretty and smart and sexy. That was enough to get a lot of attention.

Professionally, my looks either got me a job, or got me into trouble. A lot of the time, it was both. There’s a lot I have to say about this, but I will do it in another forum. Sometimes I wonder if, psychologically, that’s one reason why I stay so obese. There can be no mistake that I’ve earned all my professional accomplishments strictly on the merit of my own intellectual achievements.

I’m considering “coming out” with this blog, as I’ve been writing it stealth for some time now. It’s risky. What if I never lose this weight? It will be the failure that haunts the rest of my life. On the other hand, it may just take a global village of friends to help me get my sexyback. I’m seriously considering it. Ah, hell. What do I have to lose?

Hello Treadmill. Good-bye Lame Excuses.

IMG_0671I did it.  Bought a treadmill on Craigslist.  Not too bad.  I paid $150, plus I gave them some extra because they delivered it and set it up for me.   I decided to put it right in my office, so I’ll be AWARE of it all day.  Plus, I can use it in the morning while I watch various videopodcasts or shows on Hulu.  I just need to find some kind of wireless earphones because it’s kinda noisy.

At least I did it.  It’s a good start.

I noticed that I had lost six pounds by some random, fluke luck last week.  Maybe that is a good sign.  I have been cooking more healthy food again, but haven’t really committed to dieting.  My daughter and grandson are coming for a visit this week because my middle daughter is graduating high school.  I’ll probably wait to start the hard core dieting until they leave.

I’m happy about the treadmill though.  I hope it does the trick.

A Big, Fat Disappointment

It’s time to pick up posting on this blog again.  As you should have expected, I stopped dieting as I headed into the holidays.  The weight just wasn’t coming off fast enough, and I never could get up the motivation or energy to exercise.

It’s an insidious cycle.  I’ve gained back all the weight I lost and more.  The problem is… the BIG problem is… everything in my life would be different if I weren’t carrying this weight.  I know I have to commit to this to have a normal, happy life, and I have not been able to do that.

Is it purely psychological?  Should I do something drastic like bariatric surgery? (too expensive) or hypnotism? (too weird).  Lately, I’ve been asking the kids to take candid video and photos of me, so I know what I look like.  My self-image still doesn’t register with my actual image.  I can’t “see” how bad I look from the vantage point of my own eyes.

I’m going to look at an elliptical today.  I need to do this, or I’m afraid I may die of self-loathing.

Heading into Holiday Hell

I survived Halloween.  I honestly believe this is the first Halloween in 40+ years I did not eat a single piece of Halloween candy.  It wasn’t too bad.  I just resisted.  Considering I mentally prepared I wouldn’t eat any (and not even cheat), I just didn’t.  My son still has a ton of candy left over which I simply choose to ignore.

Halloween is a big one.  I’m not one to binge on sweets, so Halloween is that rare holiday when I do eat candy ordinarily.  I’m proud of my accomplishment.

I’ve noticed I have been slipping here and there though.  Rationalizing some food choices that are not strictly SBD.  I haven’t gone overboard, but this is the first sign of trouble.  My weight has settled in at plateau (far from my goal).  I’m going to have to do one of two (or both) things to move beyond my current malaise.

  1. Go back to Phase 1, reacquaint myself with vegetables and refocus on my goal.
  2. Take exercise seriously.

I’m really concerned about Thanksgiving (oh, it’s just one day, eh?) and Christmas (I’ll start again January 1).  The next two months will be critical.  In the meantime, I’m still down 23 pounds.

Week Ten and General Update

So, I’ve been at the dieting thing for 10 weeks. I just gained a pound and a half this weekend somehow, but before that I had lost 22 pounds since the end of August. It’s not really great, and I’ve hit a bit of a lull. I know what the problem is, I’m not exercising enough. I have started walking every morning, but it’s really not that far– just around the neighborhood. I listen to a few podcasts then come home and take a shower. On the other hand, I’ve been really faithful to the diet. I don’t fall off and I’ve learned to cook several South Beach recipes that even the kids like.

With the news of the economy worsening by the day, I decided I would try my hand at going back into the single’s market. I’d feel better for some reason if I could go through this financial meltdown with someone special in my life.  I so wish I could find someone else who is trying to lose a large amount of weight, too. That would be ideal!   But for now, because I really don’t have much of a “real” social life, I’m trying eharmony. I tried eharmony before when I first got divorced. It worked really well, so I’m hopeful something good will happen. Of course, I lost quite a bit of weight when I first divorced, so I felt a lot better about myself. (Yes, of course I gained it all back.)

The “wordle” image at the top of this post is something that is increasingly annoying in all the matches I receive.  These are the words that jump off the “match” profiles that come to me.  Men simply do not want to date fat women. Period. They make it very clear in their introductory comments they are only interested in __________ (substitute your euphemism for thin) women. It’s a shame, really. I have a lot to offer a single man, despite the fact that I need to lose this weight (which I will alone or in a relationship).  If it’s about the sex, that’s ridiculous. Without getting into a lot of personal detail, I consider myself adept in that department.  The way I look at it, sex is more or less about orifices anyway.  In all the years I’ve been alive- when I was rail thin and when I was overweight– I don’t ever remember losing or gaining weight in any orifice.  My brother reads this blog, so I’ll stop here.  Rant over.

I imagine it’s the same for men. I was watching “The Tao of Steve” Saturday morning before I got out of bed, and the main character, Steve, basically said the same thing. The dialog went something like this, “You wouldn’t date a fat guy, would you?” He was asking his love interest who honorably replied in the negative.

So there you have it. Discrimination once again levied against the fat population. Ironically, this is a fight I’m not willing to fight because it’s one that I, by default, tacitly endorse with my stated desire to lose weight (presumably to look better, not be healthier).

I’m not sure anyone is reading this blog (besides my brother), but if you’ve had personal experience with this fat-and-single-trying-to-date thing, I’d love to hear it. Thanks.

Slow, but steady as she goes

The fast weight loss has slowed down, but I’m still making progress. I haven’t weighed myself in the past few days, but the last time I did, I was down 20 pounds. Very excited about that. I finally started walking too. I couldn’t make up my mind whether to straighten out my gym membership or to buy a treadmill. With the economic crisis erupting over the past few weeks, I decided it would be a better “investment” to use nature and not cash to start my exercise program.

I enjoy walking in the morning now. I download NPR podcasts on my iphone, and I take a brisk walk around the neighborhood. Sometimes, I don’t want to come home!

My clothes are getting loose, but not loose enough that I can start wearing some of my jeans that are folded neatly on top of my closet shelf. I really look forward to the day I can get into some of my old clothes. I’ve slowed down a little with cooking, but have really radically changed my attitude/behaviors with “bad” foods. I haven’t had any potatoes, white bread (of any kind), pasta, etc. for over a month now. I only drink diet iced tea or water and have not had anything fried at all since I started.

Tomorrow, I’ll try to remember to weight myself and report how it’s going. I’m not sure if I gained any of the twenty back, but I had better check in to see how I’m doing and make adjustments if I see a bad result.

Will try to post tomorrow night. Thanks for reading!

If you have to be away in a city…

Then San Francisco is the dieter’s best choice.  I managed to stay committed to the SBD because every restaurant I went to offered exceptional choices– salmon, eggplant, spinach salad, even hummus and pita… During the breaks at the conference, I had a piece of fruit.  It helped to have brought small snack packs of nuts.  I tried to bring small cans of V-8, but they were confiscated at security.  I felt somewhat like a Vegan terrorist.

For the cocktail parties, I had a glass of wine, and a lot of water.  It was fine.  I also walked several city blocks to get to the various dinner parties we had.  All in all, it was a great trip.

When I got home, I found I had LOST 2.5 pounds!  Yay!